Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I am A'feared

Is that even a word? I'm not sure, but it fits. Because I am very, very a'feared right now.
No, a mama grizzly bear protecting her cubs is not on the verge of attacking. (I know. Too much Deer Hunter; the 2005 Season)
No, I am not out of Starbucks French Roast. And I am going in for more tomorrow anyway.
No, the writers are not going on strike again.(Why, did you hear something?) Even if they did, this is American Idol season, AND America's Next Top Model Cycle 10 just started last week, so I don't really care. (please, don't judge or harass. This is good television, people.)

And no, I am not following a semi-truck with his left turn signal on and my wind shield wipers are stuck on at a high level though it is not raining. (not sure where I got THAT from, Ang.)


What has my blood freezing and a scream trying to emerge from the back of my throat is.....The 2007 Tax Season.


I really can hardly bear to type the words. You don't know what this does to me. I am in a constant state of anxiety and jumpiness with a rash that comes and goes if the words "profit and loss" cross my mind. Oh my word, I literally just broke into a cold sweat and I am not kidding.

Get an accountant, you might advise.

Oh, I have one. And I am STILL a'feared.

I am not afraid of having to owe some money. That happens sometimes. (Although I DO have some good stories, let me tell ya) I understand that.


What I don't understand are the "English" phrases that the IRS allegedly uses when attempting to communicate new tax laws. Oh, who am I kidding? Any tax laws, new or old. I don't understand any of them. My thought process starts to freeze up when I begin working on the taxes and it is as though I am trying to get my brain to function while it's submerged in quick sand. My breathing becomes as shallow as an episode of ANTM, cycle 9. (Extremely shallow cycle.) All I can do is stare with a completely blank look on my face. (No, that IS NOT the same expression I always wear, thank you very much.)


My accountant asks me questions that I simply cannot answer. He'll say something like "This rule does not apply to personal property you acquire for resale if your average annual gross receipts (or those of your predecessor) for the preceding 3 tax years are not more than $10 million. Does this apply to you?"

All I can do is smile and nod, trying to look thoughtful as I ask him, "I'm not really sure. Hmmm. I'll have to give that some consideration and consult my notes. (more like a Safeway shopping list from November.)
But along those same lines that does make me think; did you happen to hear David Archuletta sing "Imagine" on Idol last night? Seriously, it gave me goosebumps, and I don't even like that song."

So, my goose is cooked. I have to traverse through the perils of the 2007 tax season trying not to look and sound as stoopid as I feel. I'll muddle through (doesn't that phrase inspire loads of confidence?) somehow with Rod bringing me comforting bowls of Hot and Sour soup or Subway sandwiches.

Maybe my choice of television viewing has something to do with the the deterioration of my brain function?

Naw!

But I really wish all I had to face was the charging mama grizzly bear.

Oh, Eric? If you are reading this, give me a call and let me know who your accountant is. I think mine is getting tired of me. I'm not sure why.


14 comments:

Michelle said...

Lol, as an accountant (not an income tax one, but close), I will tell you something. Accountants must go to school every year for an ungodly number of hours to learn the tax codes every year. The POINT of having an accountant is to EASE your worries. It falls on THEM to worry! You see, if he screws up your tax return, they are responsible (not ultimately,(because you still sign the return), but enough that they carry something like malpractice insurance.

The problem is that, like with doctors, people are cowered into not telling them what is on their minds, being intimidated by their fancy degrees. Next time you go to the accountant and he asks you questions that muddle your brain, look him square in the face and tell him "I hire you to answer questions that don't make sense, if you want an answer from me....ask me in plain English so that I can understand". You might get an undignified HARUMPH, but your point will be made and it will be much easier for you in the future.


Good Luck sweetie.

Michelle said...

Oh yea, PS....if he refuses to do as you ask, ask him to file an extension for you. When that is done, take your business elsewhere and make sure you tell him why.

Anonymous said...

Funny post! I am an accountant also, though I don't do taxes for a living. I am a procrastinator when it comes to doing my own taxes and still take the old-fashioned paper route. When I try to read the new tax laws, I wonder why they don't write it in plain English. I should be working on my taxes rather than blogging, but needed the laugh. :)

Amy Beth @ Ministry So Fabulous! said...

Oh man. I hate 'em too.

So glad you came by again... :)

javamamma said...

Thanks for stopping over! I LOVE your template.

Kimberly said...

Hi!
So nice to meet ya'! Thanks for stopping by! And thanks for the laughs tonight. So funny!
I hope you are feeling completely better from being SICK.
Blessings,
Kimberly
And thank you for sharing your testimony so honestly on your blog. What a blessing! What a testimony to how wonderful our Father truly is!

E said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
E said...

Taxes stink! They just plain stink! Good luck Diane!

Oh, and I promise, that is Mt. Rainier!

Amy Plumb said...

Taxes yuck! My husband does them for us.
Hang in there, I'll put in a good prayer for you. lol
Amy

Jane Jane said...

i don't have to be afeared because my hubby does these things. What a servant that man is.

Jennifer said...

I don't like all the paperwork that comes along with preparing our taxes, but I DO like the nice refund check we receive.

Have a great day!!

Keri said...

See now, we get money back every year at tax time so I actually look forward to it. I dread ever crossing that line where it all becomes such a headache. Ignorance is bliss! For now "we have people" (You know, at H&R block) who love to see us coming because it's all so straight forward with us. (no itemizing!) So I just get to sit and smile as hubby talks to "the people" and then I wait for the check to roll in. Yippie!

On another note: I keep missing American idol. Grrrr.

Birdie said...

you - are SO - funny!!
Love your blog!

Mimi's Toes said...

I hate tax time too. I have been doing them on-line the past few years but this year we needed an expert. It's great to have a nephew that is a CPA. Hang in there....