Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm a fraud


Pretty much that's what I want to say. After a while I get burdened with pretending to be someone I'm not and I have an overwhelming need to come clean and say I'm not who I seem to be.

I think because I lived as I fraud for so many years that I still struggle.

I'm not comfortable hiding. I need to be free and sometimes the details of everyday life bind me.

I eat Cheetos. Sometimes for breakfast. I isolate myself for days on end because I'm comfortable doing that.

I have a short temper with those I love the most. (Rod)

Sometimes I think that a delegation from church is going to drive up my driveway, knock on my door and come in and see the dishes in the sink and the dog hair on the floor. (who am I kidding? It's on every available surface.) They'll see piles of books everywhere. Some are great. Some? Not so good. They'll politely inform me that I can no longer attend my church because I am not who I've seemed to be.

Never mind the church delegation. How about Jesus shows up?

I need to be saved. Again. Today.

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

(The above part of the post was written Friday of Saturday this week.The following was written today.)

This past weekend at church, God showed up and spoke to me. He spoke through Pastor Alan who gave the message and Pastor Jonathan who taught the theology class I went to.
Alan said,
"Would you be willing to let the Lord be your source of joy, rather than medicating yourself with Cheetos and isolation?"

If you go listen to the sermon you will be able to pick out my paraphrase. But I got the gist of it. Oh yes I did.

Then later on, Jonathan spoke about the fruits of the spirit in Galatians. He was talking about how he would try to project a patient image, rather than actually being patient. Until his Dad kindly pointed it out to him by saying "so you don't really have to be patient, just act like you are?"

Ouch. Good ouch.

That is the crux of my problem, I think. I don't need to act like I love someone, or act like I'm patient, or try to act kind.

Let God be those things through me.

It is not my job to be those things, to strive to achieve the fruits of the spirit.

I need to abide in Him.

The fruits of the Spirit will be the result of my abiding...resting in Him.

Big sigh of relief.

Yes, these are things I know, but they are truths that I need to be reminded of so I don't stay in the dumps, focusing on myself with in-grown eyeballs.
So, with a resounding "YES!" I say I am more than willing to let the Lord be my source of joy again.
(originally posted in June 08....But wanting Jesus to be my source of joy again this morning. His love, his grace, his sacrifice. His mercies are new every morning. Thank you Jesus.)

10 comments:

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Great word for ALL of us, DiDi.

Taking a closer look at Galations and the passage in chapter 5 verse 22, we see that the word "fruit" is singular. Even though there are multiple things listed, the collective category of fruit is singular. It's as if when we have the Spirit of God, we consume (or have) all those attributes in one serving! Our job is to keep our focus there instead of in the flesh. Easier said than done, that's for sure! But isn't it liberating to know all those things are GIVEN to us as the children of God?

I join you in saying the source of my joy is indeed the Lord. All else leaves me empty.

We are blessed beyond measure.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy the humor and honesty of your posts. I recently wrote one called "I'm a Coward."

Queen B said...

Thank you for your honesty. I always know that I'll get a good ole dose of THE TRUTH from you. And usually it is just what I need to hear...

Diane said...

Thanks for the testimony! I needed that today...

Isn't God amazing? He speaks through so many people in so many ways...thanks for making me think!

Hugs,
Diane

Sheryl said...

Love your transparency!! First step is being honest with ourselves and with God. It's not like He didn't know in the first place...

Glad Jesus is your source for joy, He is the only source!

-Sheryl

KC said...

What a beautiful beautiful beautiful post.. Thank you for sharing it with us..

ThreeGirlyGirls said...

I was laughing at most of this! Only becuase I can SOOO relate!! =) Someone once said it's exhausting trying to be perfect! AMEN to that!

Love your sweet heart!

Michelle said...

Borrowed from Joel Osteen:

This is my Bible: I am what it says I am; I have what it says I have; I can do what it says I can do.

Today, I will be taught the Word of God.

I boldly confess: My mind is alert; my heart is receptive; I will never be the same.

I am about to receive the incorruptible, indestructible, ever-living Seed of the Word of God.

I'll never be the same -- never, never, never! I'll never be the same, in Jesus' Name. Amen.

Amy Plumb said...

I can so relate to what you are saying.
I love coming here.
Amy

Sandy @ The Scoop on Balance said...

Just popped over from the comment you left on my blog. Um....where have you been all my life? Not only do we love most of the same blogs, but we also sound like kindred spirits in so many other ways (isolation and styles of humor come to mind...)

Anyway, I was just praying about this very thing today. Yesterday I heard Pres. GW Bush on Focus on the Family. He made a profound statement: Christianity is NOT a self-improvement project. It is all about surrender to God. That is our goal...not to constantly improve our behavior, but to daily surrender to God. It's not really about us at all. (my paraphrase).

I've been pondering this all morning. I'm so tired of trying to improve my behavior and make my days all about me. Even when I am asking God to bless someone through me, I'm really asking Him to help ME be a blessing (because I stink at it and I don't really feel like being a blessing). There's a difference, ya know?

I need to be saved today, too.