Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I wish I were watching t.v.

I want to watch t.v., channel surf, eat fried whatever dipped in ranch and have my mind and heart muffled.
But I can't.
I read a post tonight that has me wanting to run away, not look, not think, and not hurt.

Not remember.

I am so tired of this election.

But I am weary and heartsick of children dying everyday because of abortion.

There. I've lost my readers.

You don't want to think about it either. Maybe you don't want to remember.

I know. It hurts. It can destroy us if we let it. We can numb ourselves with food, drugs, meaningless sex, blogging, anger, channel surfing or exercise. Whatever makes us turn away, keep moving and just not think. Not remember.
But if we don't talk about it, it will go on. And on. And on. We should really warn people.
I don't know about you, but I would do anything if God would answer my prayer and just let me go back to that time and that place.

I can almost see myself putting my hand on that door handle and walking through the door. Please, please, turn around.

I see myself being led to the back. Please, don't follow.

I can see myself in the back room and being helped onto the table. Get up and just run.

In my dreams, I leave and don't have the abortion. Do you even know how badly I wish that was what happened?
The truth was, I didn't leave for an hour. My baby never left. My baby died that day in the clinic because I chose to "not be pregnant" , a doctor chose to perform an abortion on a girl who paid him his fee and a country has vehemently decided that this is my right to have my own child put to death.

My children's sibling. They would have been delighted to have an older brother/sister.

My brother and sisters niece/nephew. Children are always loved celebrated in our family.


My husband's child. He would have loved you so much.


My baby, my baby. What have I done? My tears and grieving are not enough to bring you back.

I know that Jesus died on the cross in payment for my sins.
Even this.
I know, beyond any doubt, that I will be reunited with my child in Heaven one day.
But right now, I remember that time and that decision and am just ripped apart.I cry thinking of who my baby might have been and I am so completely destroyed over what I did. I am so very,very sorry.

I apologize that this is not my usual light and funny post.I don't want to think about the "issues" anymore either. I get it.

But I just had to say something as we head into this election where one candidate believes it should be a woman's choice whether or not she kills her own child for any reason what-so-ever.

Of course he would never be so crass as to word it like that.
But I will. Because that is what I did.

All my wishing and praying doesn't change a thing.
I am absolutely haunted by my choice.
And I can't change the channel enough times to make me forget.

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. Psalm 32:3-7

24 comments:

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

You haven't lost THIS reader. My heart is heavy, too. My baby didn't leave that day either. And it haunts me, too. And it breaks my heart that Americans don't have a burden for saving these babies.

Praise God for His forgiveness, for His love, for His mercies that are new every morning.

And praise God for His people like Randy Alcorn and like YOU who are willing to take a stand.

Bless you, my friend.

Linda said...

I don't know what to say except that you haven't lost this reader either.

Isn't it amazing that no matter what we've done wrong, no matter how bad the sin, Jesus loves us and completely forgives us! It's truly amazing.

a portland granny said...

That was a pretty heavy post. Your honesty is hard to read, but it needed to be said....and read. God has forgiven you, but have you forgiven yourself? Isn't it hard to let go of the sins of the past and leave them in the "deepest sea"? The Lord knows our hearts and understands us.

I, too, am absolutely sick of this election. If Oboma gets in I feel that we may see some of our freedoms, as Christians, and as conservatives, slip away.

Thanks for stopping by my blog the other night. I was glad to find your site. It looks so interesting. You said you came to my site from one that I visit. I looked at your list and the only one I visit on your list is Lots of Scotts, but I don't leave comments there very often. So, you will have to tell me what site it was that you saw mine on....

I'm guessing that you live at the Mountain??

Thanks for your honesty...and for sharing what is on your heart.
joan

Kim said...

You haven't lost this reader my dear....Your vulnerability and honesty speaks more than most. God uses the situations and trials in our lives, the ones he's comforted us in, to comfort others...and bring Hope and healing to. Praying your words bring Hope to those still undecided how they're going to vote.

Blessings,
Kim

Patrice and Higgins said...

Goodness my heart aches for you....thanks for sharing a very difficult time in your life with us and I will be praying for you, praying hard for peace with the decision that was made so many years ago. BTW, you have not lost me as a reader.....

javamamma said...

You're a brave woman. I admire your honesty and your transparency. I'm praying that God would continue to heal the wound in your heart and that His justice would be spread across America. (((hugs)))

Dena said...

You have not lost this reader, because I have been through what you have been through. I know the pain you live through daily. I know that knowing God has forgiven us isn't always enough. I know the heartache. I know the tears. I also know the feeling of trying to numb the pain. I really do understand. Hugs to you.

A Christian Mom said...

You haven't lost this reader either.

I don't suffer guilt from aborting a child, but I do suffer guilt from driving a friend to have an abortion. Her excuse for not having the baby was because the father was black. She was white. I tried everything I could to convince her not to have the abortion, then I drove her there.

I feel just as guilty for killing that baby.

HUGS to you!

Angela said...

Diane,

You are forgiven and you are loved! We all have those times we wish we could go back and change, but good or bad, God uses them to write an amazing testimony of who he is, and what he wants to do for us and through us. You are one of the sweetest people I don't actually know. Thanks for this post..you never know who might read it and what decisions you are affecting in the lives of others!
Say hello to the poofy strangers for me. Love you!
Angela

Chel said...

I'm here!!!! I know that everytime I have longed to retrace my steps on anything that imposes such guilt I have had to remember to trace His hand.
I have clung to this verse from the minute I read it...Psalm 32:5 "Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah"
Such a beautiful beautiful verse, thank you God and thank you David that we can know there is freedom!
Many many women have taken on a lifetime of pain to escape momentary shame.
Love you girl!
Chel

Queen B said...

I like you all the more.

Isn't it amazing that nothing we ever do surprises God? He died for ALL of it.

Gretchen said...

Blessings to you. May he continue to do the good works in you and may you continue to find peace and strength and remember your forgiveness in Him.

Anonymous said...

I so wish I could give you a great big hug right now. Thank you for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable and honest with us. You add credibility to the anti-abortion argument. I think the other side discounts Christians as do-gooders trying to control other's lives. But they can't discount your story and the story of other's who know all too well the pain that is caused by their pro-choice lies.

Kirstin said...

I'm in agreement with you on ready for these elections to be done.

Your post was very well written and very well received. Thank you for being transparent and open with your readers.

How amazing is God's overwhelming love for us.

Thank you for visiting my blog. I'm glad you did because I loved your blog when I visited it, then lost it (C:

Brenda on the S OR Coast said...

Still right here with you. Thank you for honoring your child in this way. We all need to remember how important it is to stand up and be counted on the side of life.

You are loved!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Oh, sweet friend. I'm sorry that this grief comes over you like this. But I so admire your willingness to share vulnerably about because it makes a difference. No one can read this and not be touched. You're making a difference in this world for something that matters. It is THE issue for me in this election.

Robin Lambright said...

I have to tell you that when I read this post your honesty and your transparency and the inner pain was so very real.

We all have very hidden places within our hearts that hold our most tender wounds. You have boldly laid your tender heart out there for all to see and feel and that takes courage as well as compassion.

Your words will no doubt touch someone else who has experience similar circumstances.

For me, you have show all of us through your brave and real words exactly what Christ talks about.

MT 9:12 On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: `I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Just last night in my accountability grup we closed up in prayer. We interceded for our nation and for all the people who will be casting their votes over the next few days.

What we do with our vote matters, what we do with our faith matters, what we do with our prayers matter.

I commend for your openness and your truth, I also share in the opinion of every one of your comments so far, that you have not lost your readers, far from it.

Blessings
Robin

Beverlydru said...

I'm right there with the previous comments. You are loved. You are appreciated. Your voice makes a difference. Thank you for being so real.

Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife said...

This is such a beautiful post and shows that choice isn't a grand, wonderful thing that needs protecting. Your testimony has touched me so deeply. Thank you for sharing it.

Linda said...

you are beautiful & you are a child of the King...who is SO very forgiving....It hurts me to see the pain you have gone through and still are...Thank you for sharing your story and being so honest...It might hurt to share it..but the right person might come along and read it, and it make a difference in her life. As I don't exactly know what you've gone through..my heart still goes out to you...After reading your story it hit me....not sure why it hasn't before....and it pained me to think about it...my husband years before I met him was in a serious relationship and he got the girl pregnet..and she chose to have an abortion...against his desire and beliefs, and it broke his heart...and he'll never know this child..and I relized that this child would've been my step child..that pains me to think of that...but that child is in Heaven with Jesus..along with yours and someday you'll reunite with your child as my husband will with his. Try to be strong :) God Bless!!!!!

Cindy Swanson said...

Here's yet another reader that you haven't lost. In fact, I appreciate you more than ever. Your honesty, your transparency, your vulnerability and your courage speak volumes. Thank you for speaking out.

Michelle said...

Oh Did, I so understand that pain. And so many of us women never speak of it. Thank you for having the courage to do what I can't bring myself to.

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

When you posted this, I left a super long comment telling you how much I love you and I know God is using you and your pain. I said lots of great things,I'm sure. :) But then my computer froze and I never came back to tell you. I'm sorry. I love you! This was so beautifully written. I linked to it tonight.

My bloglines hasn't been telling me you have new stuff! I"m behind!! Miss you!

Anonymous said...

You didn't lose me...
I came over from Cindy's post, where she linked to you...
I will be back.

I ache for you, but thank you for being open and honest. I haven't been in that situation personally, but there have been many times in my life where I have put myself intentionally in the wrong place, with the wrong person. Many regrets. BUT GOD.
He has set me free... and given me great grace... and I have learned that it is time that I give myself that grace as well.

God bless you for your openness and honesty... there is no other way others would be able to hear and learn from your experiences, so that maybe they don't do the same thing. Your openness and honesty inspire others to be the same.
Heather