Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmastime Feasting


The weather outside is frightful and has stopped my wogging in its tracks. So when my friend sent me this email it is as though a glorious light shone all around and the universe made perfect sense once again.

I will embrace this plan.


1. AVOID carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. If you see carrots, leave immediately, go next door where they're serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't get it any other time of year; who cares if it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not like you're gonna turn into an eggnog alcoholic or something! It's a treat! Enjoy it! It's Christmas!!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on! Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes (or stuffing), fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano! Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission!


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. And lots of it. Hello??


6. Under NO circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's! You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet carrying a 10 lb. plate of food and a vat of eggnog!


7. If you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies, position yourself near them, and don't budge. Eat as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. If you leave them behind, you'll never see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or mix it up, but have more than one! When else do you get more than one dessert? Labor Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted it's loaded with the mandatory calories, but avoid it at all costs! I mean, have some standards!


10. ONE FINAL TIP: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention! Re-read these tips, but hurry! January is just around the corner!


LIFE SHOULD NOT BE A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN AN ATTRACTIVE AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, CHOCOLATE IN ONE HAND, WINE IN THE OTHER, BODY THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND SCREAMING " WOO-HOO, WHAT A RIDE!!"



11 comments:

JEN said...

There is a reason you are my friend! But just curious....when speaking of one skidding on their side with chocolate in one hand and wine in the other....were you writing about me again?

Anonymous said...

That is awesome! Rules Drama Mama lives by no doubt!
All I need is my own bottle of wine and I am ready to party!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Oh, number 7! I've been exposed!

Amy Plumb said...

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I just give up on trying to keep the pounds off. I say enjoy! You have enough time after the holiday to get into shape before summer.
Great post.

Linda said...

lol..that's WAY to funny!! I love it!! thanks for sharing!!

Dena said...

Love it and it is now my life long motto!

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, Diane!!

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Merry Christmas, sweet friend o'mine who I miss.

Robin Lambright said...

Having just consumed a large mug of eggnog and downing a few Christmas cookies, some Amish friendship bread and a few mini snickers bars I whole heartedly concur with these sentiments.

Merry Christmas
Robin

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

A-MEN! (with a hearty pouring of gravy on top)!

This is my kind of post. ;)

Hope your Christmas was grand...

Nancy said...

You made me laugh! Great post for the holidays! Hope you had a great Christmas and kept warm! Hope Santa brought the dogs a couple of new toys.

Wishing you a wonderful and healthy 2009!

(((((( HUGS ))))))