Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I don't belong

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately, so I thought it deserved it's own post title.


Our business has been limping along(not very productively, I might add bitterly) through this recession and various physical ailments have visited both Rod and me.


Oh and I gained THREE POUNDS. Hello-ooo, again my ginormous muffin top. Good Horrific to see ya.





Which added altogether with the other straw(s) that broke the camel's back made
me not want to go to bible study this morning.





I don't belong with the happy, beautiful people.


I am cranky. And ugly. And really cranky.

I don't even like me today. Not even a little bit.





Don't I sound fun to be around?





So, with a shiny, plastic smile on I headed in to bible study.

Where I shared my doom and gloom with those around me until it was time to go.


Good times.
This mannequin portrays how tightly I held my emotions in check during the study. Except she shows more depth. And feeling.











On the way home, I rehashed the conversations until I was sniveling and had convinced myself I needed to call my gals at bible study back and tell them I am not coming anymore and not to order me the new book.


Because I am not fit company for women who are trying to seek the Lord. I am just holding them back because all I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and cry. And eat this beef jerky. Except it kinda tastes like smoked salmon. Or dog food. Even my own taste buds are rebelling.


When I got home, Rod asked me how it went and I said, "Fine. I'm not going anymore."


Then I burst into tears.


Yesirree. That Rod is one lucky fellow.





Why does it feel like I'm all alone when things are going badly? I don't want to talk about things because then I'll cry and not stop until all my all eyelashes fall out.


Let's face it; that is not a good look on anybody.


I don't even want to talk to God about it because, frankly, that would be laying it all out there and I guess the pain of that is what I've been trying to avoid. Isolation is indeed a useful tool of the devil's.


So, in full avoidance mode, I began reading a few blogs from some of my girls.That backfired on me real quick.


Like this from Queen B. Click on this link and read about her honesty in "The Brutal Truth". I love you for this, Beth. Really and truly. You gave me strength to begin facing my little fears. Thank you.


And Amber. (His Girl) You always have an encouraging and sometimes painful truth and I love learning from you. Thank you. Click on her link and read what the Lord might mean by having us do some waitin'. It's not always what we think. I NEEDED this TODAY. 'Nuff said.





God has used you ladies today to get my eyes off myself and return the focus to Him.


Where it belongs.


Where I belong.





1 John 4:4


You, dear children, are from (belong to) God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.





So, even though I am cranky and now splotchy and tear-stained, please order me that bible study book anyway. I apologize for my selfish attitude this morning when I let it be all about me and forgot that I love you guys, and that He loves me.

Even when I feel I don't belong.
***Edited to add*** I just went over to Linda's @ A Trucker's Wife to view the videos she wrote about in the notes and OH. My. Word.
That is some powerful preaching. I am so glad that I went and spent the time listening to Louie Giglio on the "How Great is Our God Tour." Yes, I even heard a little from Chris Tomlin.
But mostly, as I listened, I began shrinking and He began growing.
It was AWESOME. So worth it. Go here to view the videos and say thanks to Linda for putting them up.
THANKS Linda. You know I needed that today. :-)

13 comments:

His Girl said...

Oh, I totally know what you mean about this particular mood. ugh. and oh. and ick.

You're right... Satan loves using isolation. Seems I'm not alone in piling up all kinds of crud (big fatness, ugliness,poorness etc) to make myself convinced that I should be rotten to all and then lock myself in a cave or something.

Praise the Lord, He loves us too much to leave us there- He's faithful to show us the light, the truth, the way out.

I'm glad the message spoke to you, it really is doing better at pulling me out of the funk I'm in too.

See you on the bright side!

Gretchen said...

Isn't January the time for all things funk-ish?

Hang in there, and force yourself into some fellowship. Really. I know of what I speak. One day at a time.

Praying for you.

larkswing said...

Hang in there! I understand where you are - I am fighting going there! I have spent the last 30 minutes or so at entrepeneur.com trying to find something I can do to draw customers. Anyway, this too shall pass, and who knows, tommorrow might be the turn around day and you will feel marvelous! God will provide! :)

E said...

This is a great post, Diane. It is great because I know that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I also want to say thanks for being brave and "real" in telling us how you feel. You are loved by the Father, and many other friends!

HUGS to you!

Linda said...

Oh you sweet wonderful beautiful woman! You are very precious in the eyes of the creater and to those who love you!! Please don't give up when you are down..cling to Him!!! Life can be the pits..we've all been there!!Keep going to that Bible study..weather you want to be there or not..you need to be there and need the fellowship. Keep your head up high&worship even in the time of trouble. He will lift you out of it. Come and visit my blog for today...I know it might be hard to watch..(it's a video) was really hard for me to watch at the time but was worth it!..hope you feel better..love a sister in Christ!! :)

Chel said...

DL!!! I hate to hear you feel this way and boy is it in the air!!! I have a post that I am so thankful God gave me that will post at 11:59 on my other blogspot: racheleposey.blogspot.com It is on the Names of God but this one even cracked me up a little put me in my own place. So, I did what we do and I am sharing it.
Just yesterday I told my hubby that this tea bag had been steeped one too many times and and I had no tea left in the leaves...not one drop..
Then I told my friend that I was a puzzle piece in the wrong box!!! So when I saw your post I was like
Oh MAN DO I RELATE OR WHAT????
I prayed for you the minute I saw your comment on my blog.
Sure wish I could give you a big ole hug and sit on your couch and have coffee and watch an old movie that will make us cry then one that will make us laugh till we...well you know...gotta go!! LOL
Chel

Robin Lambright said...

I think we may be in a parallel universe or something.

As I forced myself to go to my own bible study this morning with a grumble in my head and a frown on my face.

I had literally not picked up my study manual since before the the Christmas break so I felt like a vacant waist of space as the verses that I should have read were being talked about.

I think sometimes we have to go through the motions of things with the reality that God is faithful to recognize our obedience, even if it was a begrudging obedience.

God also recognizes that when we are weak He is strong.

I have to tell ya that there are so many time when I may not really feel like participating in the body of Christ for hormonal reason, have mercy were my "hore's moaning" this morning.

When I have moments of feeling lke I am teetering on the edge I take great comfort in knowing that our sorow, sadness, confusion, feelings of being overwhelmed... are not new to the Lord.

The Psalmist knew sadness and sorrow and they poured it out to the Lord and he took drank it in.

I take great comfort in that!

PS 116:3-8
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, save me!"
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

I will pray for better day ahead!
Blessings
Robin

Dena said...

I was going to post and say something profound and deep, but couldn't think of a thing, so I left. I happened to open a website and the first thing I saw was the following verse, so I'll let this be "His" profound statement to you ('cuz he dishes it out so much better than I ever could)...

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
John 16:33 NLT

Take heart my friend, because you do belong. :)

Linda said...

you are VERY welcome! SO glad it helped! I sat and watched them after I posted them yesterday and WOW!! We do have an awesome awesome God!! Have a great day!!!

Jess said...

i feel this way so much. sometimes its so hard to keep showing up... with God, other relationships....

your writing always touches me. love, jess

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

I think many of us are going through the particular self-loathing doldrums right now. i just downloaded some pics of myself for the 365 project and realized some very bad stuff about myself. Trying "chin up," or "chins up," as it were.

Beverlydru said...

I have been fighting the icky thoughts as well. In fact, just posted a bit about that last night - but not quite as honest as your post. I had been wonderign if it was hormones, the time of year or what! I watched 2 of the Giglio vidoes so far and they are great.
We'll press through!

care-in said...

I came to your blog from Hisgirls and I was encouraged by your honesty. I am feeling like I don't fit in as I embark on the new journey as a SAHM. But I know the Lord is preparing me for something, I just have to pay attention and not miss it!