The Best Present I Ever Received

(Originally published 1/22/08. Bears repeating at least once a year.)
 This common, ice-breaker question was asked of me recently and I knew immediately what I wanted to say, but I didn't say it. The setting was a light-hearted gathering and everything was , well, light-hearted. And I wanted to keep it like that. Because if I answered honestly what the best gift I ever received was, I would be weeping before a word got out of my mouth.

And I, my friends, am an ugly crier.

The best gift I ever received was the forgiveness of my sins and the promise of eternal life with the Father who loves me beyond reason.

I know. Just about everyone we know can say that, and it's the truth.

But the thing is, I don't deserve it. I really don't deserve it, and the fact that innocent, omnipotent, precious Jesus suffered and died for me, is absolutely ludicrous.

Because I murdered two of my own children.

(Don't think I'm being dramatic or over-the-top when I use the word "murder." I think not using it is what has helped get our society into this mess) I deserve to suffer and die. I deserve eternal hell apart from everything that is lovely, beautiful and good. The least I deserve is prison time in a small cell somewhere.

Oh, I repented.Repented is hardly a big enough word, but I don't know a better one. I regretted. I would eagerly give my life to change places with those children. I have been literally wracked by guilt and grief because of my selfish, cruel, thoughtless horrible decision to end the lives of my two babies by abortion. Nothing I can do will ever take away the grief of not knowing these children during my lifetime. Sometimes I look at Josiah or Amy and my heart just breaks into quarters. There was no where I could turn that would relieve me of the massive pain and life-swallowing shame.

But do you know what God did? He counted my tears and saved them in a bottle. He comforted me. He rejoiced over me with singing.He lifted my head. He welcomed me when I came to him.

It makes me shake my head in utter disbelief. Here I was, the most undeserving person on the planet, not worthy to raise my head in praise of him, uncomfortable in my own sick, sinful skin.

But he never left me. He sent his only son to suffer and die in my place so I could spend eternity with him, the Father who adopted me into his family. As one of his beloved children. He forgave me.

He loved me.

Unbelievable grace.

Scandalous, undeserved mercy.

It gives me goosebumps to think about it.

Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade, the decision that made my horrible decision easier for me and thousands like me.

Women are continuing to kill their own children everyday (45 million since 1973) and ruining their own lives in the process.

I volunteer in a women's prison and sometimes help lead a HEART (Healing and Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma) bible study there. This article was sent to me by our local HEART leaders today and it shows very clearly how guilt-ridden women who have had abortion are, even decades afterwards.

If you want to hear more about my testimony you can go here, to the Eternal Perspectives Ministries website. This is Randy Alcorn's ministry and you can find answers to so many questions you may have about a variety of subjects pertaining to abortion as well as Heaven, the persecuted church, money issues, grace and truth etc. Truly an excellent site. You can also find out more about his books such as Heaven or Safely Home to name just a couple.

On a personal note, Randy and Nanci are very good friends of mine, as it was through them that God rescued me. Not many people invite a complete stranger into their house to live, and then find out she is not only homeless, but pregnant. I cannot say enough about their love and graciousness.

I have found Jesus to be the only forgiver of sins, the only way to eternal life and honestly, the best present I ever received.

Next time, I'll post a blog about something frivolous again, like my hair troubles (and believe me, they are many) or a recipe for chicken and dumplings or pot roast. But today this needed to be said and my children needed to be remembered, as do all of them. Not as faceless potential people, but as dearly loved, missing sons and daughters.

This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more." Jer 31:15

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17

It's a beautiful day, BUT...

It is gorgeous outside. Junuary is officially over and we are into full on June. My flowers are still a little damp, but doing their darnedest to bloom. Even the vegetable graveyard (garden) is beginning to show signs of life. That is astonishing. It seems we do everything in our power to kill every living thing in there, but still, little green things are bursting forth from the most horrible soil on the planet: our vegetable graveyard.








It is warm and sunny. Birds are singing and insects are buzzing. I want to follow Lila's example and roll around in the green, green grass, soaking up the goodness of the day, and thinking of nothing unpleasant.



So the two last things I want to ponder today are politics and abortion. But my friend Randy sent me an email this morning directing me to the newest post on his blog. So I went and read it.



Remember that Star Trek episode where they had the people who lived in the city in the clouds, where everything is beautiful and perfect with no worries?(well, except for that crazy-gross orange sky. Yuck.)
Then there are the people who lived on the planet down below, in a rocky place. They dug in tunnels and lived a hard life.

Sometimes I want to be one of the people who live in the city in the clouds. Don't you ? Everything perfect. Nothing troublesome. Easy-peasy.



But honestly? I don't want to settle for that bubble-wrapped city of temporary, faux happiness. I want the real thing.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

1st Peter 1:3-9

Back to abortion and politics I go. On Randy's blog, he had a story from the Wall Street Journal about a survivor of a late term, saline abortion. She is a lovely young woman today. I look at her picture and am astonished at the sheer LIFE of her. The article should really be titled, "The Audacity of Life," not "The Audacity of Death."

How dare she live? In Barack Obama's opinion, she is not even a person. Here is a quote from the article, which was written byDaniel Alliott:

"As an Illinois state senator, Barack Obama twice opposed legislation to define as "persons" babies who survive late-term abortions. Babies like Gianna. Mr. Obama said in a speech on the Illinois Senate floor that he could not accept that babies wholly emerged from their mother's wombs are "persons," and thus deserving of equal protection under the Constitution's 14th Amendment."

Obama believes that reproductive freedoms are among our most basic rights. He has promised to do everything in his power to ensure that every woman has the right to choose death for her baby, whenever she wants throughout her pregnancy and for whatever reason she wants. He also will ensure that our tax dollars will pay for many of these killings.

It doesn't matter what language he softens it up with, death is death. I don't want my taxes to go for killing babies.

So, do you want to go back to the city in the clouds? I know. Me, too. But I won't bury my head in the sand while this is taking place.

I will never support a pro-choice candidate. I couldn't stand before God and explain how I thought it was the lesser of two evils.

When I look at the picture of the young woman who survived the saline abortion, I am crushed. We are blindly killing real people in the name of reproductive freedom and convenience.

When I look at her picture, I study her face and expression, thinking "She could have been mine."

Unlike hers, my saline abortion was deemed a success. My child did not survive.

And there is not enough room in the blogosphere to express my sorrow for that.

This hurts

Just a quick note to send you to my friend Randy Alcorn's blog. He has an important post about Planned Parenthood. Beware....it hurts.