Monday, January 23, 2012

The Best Present I Ever Received

(Originally published 1/22/08. Bears repeating at least once a year.)
 This common, ice-breaker question was asked of me recently and I knew immediately what I wanted to say, but I didn't say it. The setting was a light-hearted gathering and everything was , well, light-hearted. And I wanted to keep it like that. Because if I answered honestly what the best gift I ever received was, I would be weeping before a word got out of my mouth.




And I, my friends, am an ugly crier.



The best gift I ever received was the forgiveness of my sins and the promise of eternal life with the Father who loves me beyond reason.



I know. Just about everyone we know can say that, and it's the truth.


But the thing is, I don't deserve it. I really don't deserve it, and the fact that innocent, omnipotent, precious Jesus suffered and died for me, is absolutely ludicrous.



Because I murdered two of my own children.

(Don't think I'm being dramatic or over-the-top when I use the word "murder." I think not using it is what has helped get our society into this mess) I deserve to suffer and die. I deserve eternal hell apart from everything that is lovely, beautiful and good. The least I deserve is prison time in a small cell somewhere.






Oh, I repented.Repented is hardly a big enough word, but I don't know a better one. I regretted. I would eagerly give my life to change places with those children. I have been literally wracked by guilt and grief because of my selfish, cruel, thoughtless horrible decision to end the lives of my two babies by abortion. Nothing I can do will ever take away the grief of not knowing these children during my lifetime. Sometimes I look at Josiah or Amy and my heart just breaks into quarters. There was no where I could turn that would relieve me of the massive pain and life-swallowing shame.





But do you know what God did? He counted my tears and saved them in a bottle. He comforted me. He rejoiced over me with singing.He lifted my head. He welcomed me when I came to him.



It makes me shake my head in utter disbelief. Here I was, the most undeserving person on the planet, not worthy to raise my head in praise of him, uncomfortable in my own sick, sinful skin.


But he never left me. He sent his only son to suffer and die in my place so I could spend eternity with him, the Father who adopted me into his family. As one of his beloved children. He forgave me.

He loved me.




Unbelievable grace.




Scandalous, undeserved mercy.


It gives me goosebumps to think about it.




Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade, the decision that made my horrible decision easier for me and thousands like me.


Women are continuing to kill their own children everyday (45 million since 1973) and ruining their own lives in the process.


I volunteer in a women's prison and sometimes help lead a HEART (Healing and Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma) bible study there. This article was sent to me by our local HEART leaders today and it shows very clearly how guilt-ridden women who have had abortion are, even decades afterwards.



If you want to hear more about my testimony you can go here, to the Eternal Perspectives Ministries website. This is Randy Alcorn's ministry and you can find answers to so many questions you may have about a variety of subjects pertaining to abortion as well as Heaven, the persecuted church, money issues, grace and truth etc. Truly an excellent site. You can also find out more about his books such as Heaven or Safely Home to name just a couple.



On a personal note, Randy and Nanci are very good friends of mine, as it was through them that God rescued me. Not many people invite a complete stranger into their house to live, and then find out she is not only homeless, but pregnant. I cannot say enough about their love and graciousness.




I have found Jesus to be the only forgiver of sins, the only way to eternal life and honestly, the best present I ever received.



Next time, I'll post a blog about something frivolous again, like my hair troubles (and believe me, they are many) or a recipe for chicken and dumplings or pot roast. But today this needed to be said and my children needed to be remembered, as do all of them. Not as faceless potential people, but as dearly loved, missing sons and daughters.




This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more." Jer 31:15



The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17




16 comments:

Patricia said...

Didi, I've come to your lovely blog by way of Randy's and I am so glad that I did. What a beautiful testimony of the love and forgiveness (and remover of that cloak of shame) found at the cross of Jesus Christ. You are a beautiful vessel of His amazing grace. I, too, know full well that He is mighty to save!

Wendy said...

This is one of the loveliest, most touching posts I've read in a long time. Thank you for sharing your heart here. Blessings to you.

HoodMama said...

Thanks for your comment and I was incredibly blessed to read this post and much more of your wonderful blog. Thank you for your honesty and humility. Zeph. 3:17 is one of my very favorite promises. In Him.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Thank you for being so vulnerable and transparent. For telling the truth, and for telling how God has redeemed your life and how you're reaching others who are in pain. This is definitely the best post I've read in a while.

Frugal Mom 08 said...

wow...amazing testimony. thank you for sharing.

Amy Plumb said...

Thank you for sharing this story.
Amy

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

I came to your blog from Big Mama's, and it felt like going home! We have so much in common. We both serve a gracious, loving and merciful God Whose amazing gift is our greatest ever. Like you, I chose to abort two of my children and suffered from guilt beyond description. Like you, I found forgiveness and saw how God could use the ugliness of my story to minister to others.

My husband and I are called to juvenile prison ministry. We regularly lead a team of volunteers to share the Gospel with these precious lost souls and mentor them. We use our beautiful dog, Shiloh (a German shepherd), as a picture of the rich relationship we can have with our Master. The kids have a tangible, memorable picture after watching DH and Shiloh of what they can have with Jesus. (Our web site is being overhauled, but you can check it out at www.faithfulfriend.org.)

My dear husband thinks Cabella's rocks, and he also adores the beach. He doesn't understand how a pair of shoes can cost "so much." He also appreciates the art in all things camouflage. So, see? We do have a lot in common!

Thank you for your transparency and beautiful testimony. I have been blessed by reading your blog today.

Jennifer Castro

LivingforGod said...

Wow...you/your post brought tears to my eyes. Our God is so awesome. I'm also forever grateful to Jesus! I can't imagine what you had to go through. I'm so glad that you've found healing in Christ. Our family is very passionate about saving the unborn. Our daughter has been participating in Steps for Life since she was 5 years old. If you would like to help, please visit her website at https://www.gifttool.com/athon/MyFundraisingPage?ID=1383&AID=188&PID=22397 .

By the way, you two look familiar, especially your husband. We live in Oregon, too so perhaps we've met possibly :). I love your blog!

My main blog is http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/servingtheKingofkings/ .

My photo blog is http://wondersbeyondwords.blogspot.com/ .

Hope you will come visit my blogs sometime :). Have a blessed day!

Mocha with Linda said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing this and for your comment on my post. I also followed the link to Randy Alcorn's blog to read more. What an awesome God we have who never gives up on us!

palmtreefanatic said...

wow!!!
That was quite an inspiring post! Now God will use you to help others! What a great testimony! May God Bless you!

Btw, I so love your blog!

Edie said...

I just love your heart Diane. I just discovered the "My Testimony" link. Just goes to show I'm usually traveling too fast. Thank you for your honesty. I don't usually hear people refer to their abortion(s) as murder but you are so right, that is what it is.

I too murdered my baby. I am forgiven I know, but the regret of that decision remains in my heart. If abortion had not been an option I would have made a right choice. The term "abortion" also helped to keep me from feeling guilt. I deliberately thought along the lines of "it" so that I would proceed. It was a pregnancy not a baby. It was an abortion not murder.

If just one person would have come along side me in a loving and supportive manner, spoke the truth out loud so that I couldn't play ostrich, and helped me to overcome the fears I was facing, I would not have done it. But the bottom line is, it was still my decision.

Jeremiah 31:15 is the one I think of too concerning the abortion issue in this nation and God has spoken Zephaniah 3:17 to me one line at a time. It is on a 3x5 in front of me here at the computer.

Bless you in your prison ministry.

Catherine R. said...

Hi DidiLyn,

This is my first time visiting your blog. Thank you for sharing your abortion story. I too shared mine on my blog is you are interested.

It is really good to read from other women who were once entrenched in that mentality that lead up to such acts. Thank you

E said...

There really are no words for Jesus' grace and mercy. I love love love Him and am so thankful He placed you in my life!

Mark Murray said...

Phenomenal. Thanks for your honesty. The honest truth, even though it isn't always pretty is so refreshing because we get a chance to believe that we are made whole by his grace!

Kelly said...

Wow, your honesty and vulnerability are so freshing Didilyn. I am so sorry for the loss of your 2 precious babies, and I pray that God will comfort your soul daily.

I am so thankful for God's forgiveness in my life as well. Be blessed.

Anonymous said...

We are no secret to God, He knew everything about us, every sinful decision we would ever make, every sinful word we would ever speak, before we were ever born, and yet.......He still chose to sacrifice His son for everyone of those sins......simply because He loves us! He will bring blessings out of your tears. God bless you for being so open and honest with your testimony.