The Best Present I Ever Received

(Originally published 1/22/08. Bears repeating at least once a year.)
 This common, ice-breaker question was asked of me recently and I knew immediately what I wanted to say, but I didn't say it. The setting was a light-hearted gathering and everything was , well, light-hearted. And I wanted to keep it like that. Because if I answered honestly what the best gift I ever received was, I would be weeping before a word got out of my mouth.

And I, my friends, am an ugly crier.

The best gift I ever received was the forgiveness of my sins and the promise of eternal life with the Father who loves me beyond reason.

I know. Just about everyone we know can say that, and it's the truth.

But the thing is, I don't deserve it. I really don't deserve it, and the fact that innocent, omnipotent, precious Jesus suffered and died for me, is absolutely ludicrous.

Because I murdered two of my own children.

(Don't think I'm being dramatic or over-the-top when I use the word "murder." I think not using it is what has helped get our society into this mess) I deserve to suffer and die. I deserve eternal hell apart from everything that is lovely, beautiful and good. The least I deserve is prison time in a small cell somewhere.

Oh, I repented.Repented is hardly a big enough word, but I don't know a better one. I regretted. I would eagerly give my life to change places with those children. I have been literally wracked by guilt and grief because of my selfish, cruel, thoughtless horrible decision to end the lives of my two babies by abortion. Nothing I can do will ever take away the grief of not knowing these children during my lifetime. Sometimes I look at Josiah or Amy and my heart just breaks into quarters. There was no where I could turn that would relieve me of the massive pain and life-swallowing shame.

But do you know what God did? He counted my tears and saved them in a bottle. He comforted me. He rejoiced over me with singing.He lifted my head. He welcomed me when I came to him.

It makes me shake my head in utter disbelief. Here I was, the most undeserving person on the planet, not worthy to raise my head in praise of him, uncomfortable in my own sick, sinful skin.

But he never left me. He sent his only son to suffer and die in my place so I could spend eternity with him, the Father who adopted me into his family. As one of his beloved children. He forgave me.

He loved me.

Unbelievable grace.

Scandalous, undeserved mercy.

It gives me goosebumps to think about it.

Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade, the decision that made my horrible decision easier for me and thousands like me.

Women are continuing to kill their own children everyday (45 million since 1973) and ruining their own lives in the process.

I volunteer in a women's prison and sometimes help lead a HEART (Healing and Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma) bible study there. This article was sent to me by our local HEART leaders today and it shows very clearly how guilt-ridden women who have had abortion are, even decades afterwards.

If you want to hear more about my testimony you can go here, to the Eternal Perspectives Ministries website. This is Randy Alcorn's ministry and you can find answers to so many questions you may have about a variety of subjects pertaining to abortion as well as Heaven, the persecuted church, money issues, grace and truth etc. Truly an excellent site. You can also find out more about his books such as Heaven or Safely Home to name just a couple.

On a personal note, Randy and Nanci are very good friends of mine, as it was through them that God rescued me. Not many people invite a complete stranger into their house to live, and then find out she is not only homeless, but pregnant. I cannot say enough about their love and graciousness.

I have found Jesus to be the only forgiver of sins, the only way to eternal life and honestly, the best present I ever received.

Next time, I'll post a blog about something frivolous again, like my hair troubles (and believe me, they are many) or a recipe for chicken and dumplings or pot roast. But today this needed to be said and my children needed to be remembered, as do all of them. Not as faceless potential people, but as dearly loved, missing sons and daughters.

This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more." Jer 31:15

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17

Summertime...and the livin' is easy....

Maybe a little too easy?

A couple of weeks ago my partner who works with Prison Fellowship received a call from the Sargent in charge of the jail where we minister. He told us we would no longer be able to come in on Wednesday evenings, and the only other time he might be able to fit us in was on Sunday afternoons.

What?!

Sunday afternoons? Are you kidding me?! We go to church and Sunday school on Sundays and Rod has that day off. My partner cannot come in on Sundays as she is a real estate agent and shows houses during that time. Who would I go in with ? This is bad! Sundays are bad!

So I have put off calling the Sargent back.


In the meantime, I've just been enjoying the slow moving summer days. Shopping for furniture for the deck. Nothing expensive. Just Craigslist stuff. But I love good deals. :-)

Sitting on the front porch in the morning with Rod and the dogs and Starbucks.


Attempting to run the loop, rather than walk it. Coming home to sit down on the new chairs with Rod, the dogs and Starbucks again. Figuring out if I can be a "runner." Liking this process.







Freshening the landscaping and fighting for dominion over the blackberries and maple seedlings. (we always lose that fight.)






BBQing with family in the warm evenings. Weddings. Painting the house. Laughing with friends on the phone while I'm sitting on the deck in the sun. Reading books. Making strawberry jam.

Just letting one day slide lazily into the next. It's been all about ME ME ME ME.
Even though summer is great for kicking back and relaxing, I know when I've let it go too far and frankly, I'm pretty tired of me right now.
I read this today:


"...If our lives are peaches and cream most of the time, if we’re poster children for the American Dream, then we’re not a threat. The demonic doesn’t take us seriously, because if it did we’d be feeling and seeing the attacks..."
"...Here’s the worst thing that anyone can say about you or me as Christians: 'You’re no threat to the Devil.'"
Sadly, I believe that large swaths of the American Church are just that. The Enemy distracts us with consumerism, entertainment, fads (even church-related ones), and an all-consuming loathing for anything that even remotely borders on boring. We know the entire storyline behind Lost, can name every contestant on the last American Idol, can’t wait to plop down a small fortune on the next iteration of Xbox or Playstation, spend more on movie theater tickets or DVDs than we drop in the offering plate, and generally run willy-nilly after umpteen thousand things that neutralize our threat on the grand cosmic battlefield. Without even breaking a sulfurous sweat, the dark principalities and powers have rendered millions of American Christians fat, lazy, double-minded, and utterly worthless for battle..."


Excerpts from: When The Devils Know Your Name at Cerulean Sanctum

I'll call the Sargent on Monday morning. Sundays would be a great day to go share Christ in jail.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

The Lost Sheep

Time for another prison story.

I don't know how to start this, and I keep writing and then deleting paragraphs because they don't communicate what I want to say.

I love these women. I love going to jail to see them. This is why I am here on Earth. Apparently, I belong in jail. :-)

Bringing desperate, unhappy, at rock-bottom people the Good News is a joyful pursuit. How many times have you been rebuffed when you attempt to share God's Word with your neighbors, or people in line at the store, or your own family members? Many times, these individuals are content with their lives.

Or at least can pretend to be.

Not so in jail. Broken lives and hearts and families, searching for some answer, any measure of peace.

I look in their eyes. Sometimes I see hostility, but mostly I see heart-ache and desperation.

I love them. And I have answers for them with me. I open up the Word.

"Call upon me in the day of trouble;

I will deliver you, and you will honor me." Psalm 50:15

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved." Romans 10:9-10

"But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life." Romans 6:22

That is exciting news! I can't help but be enthusiastic about it. I pray I don't scare anyone with my over-the-top exuberance.

Simple verses. Verses we know by heart, many of us. But an actual life-line to someone who needs rescuing.

We spend time unwrapping exactly what each of these verses mean. Then we hold hands and pray together.

This week one young girl with wild eyes and hair to match made a statement.

"I don't think I can be a Christian . The bar is set too high. I would fail. Church is not for people like me."

I could only smile at her. I understood where she was coming from. I came from there.

So I told the group my own story. The worst sinner I know. A murderer, liar, hypocrite and more. Deserving of hell. How I was rescued, by God, and by "Jesus with skin on." How he loved me, (even me!) enough to die a horrible death so I can spend eternity in Heaven, a place I can only imagine.

They were all in tears by the time I finished, but I saw hope in their faces. People will always try to argue with scripture and theology, but hardly ever do when you tell them what God has done for you.

These women are all in the process of deciding who to follow, themselves or the Lord. Please pray for them this week.

My fingers are hovering over the keyboard again, wanting to share with you the anguish of the prisoner who is 5 1/2 months pregnant, worried for her child. About the woman who's mom is dying of cancer while her daughter is in jail. About the woman is looking seriously at spending the rest of her life behind bars.

I don't know how God will answer each of their prayers. But I know that He says "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." and "Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you will honor me."

I also know that each of these women will someday have their own story about how God rescued them (even them!) and will tell it gratefully and with tears in their eyes.

My Joy. It knows no bounds.

So. What can make me so happy, you ask?

Is it the snow that is falling and turning everything white again, even though it is SPRING and flowers should be blooming and I should be BBQing, not cooking navy bean soup with ham in an attempt to warm us up?

(This, my friends, is a fine example of a run on sentence.And I think I'll leave it be. I'm just that happy.)

No, it is not the snow.

Could it be because Lila is taking a doggy nap on the love seat, the same love seat that she is FORBIDDEN from ever sleeping, resting or snoozing on, let alone getting up on AT ALL? And she climbed up there when I went to go get the mail as if I wouldn't notice when I came back in. She is cat-like in her utter lack of guilt.

No, that is not why I am joyful, although taking the picture and showing Rod her complete lack of concern for punishment will be fun.

Wait...could it be? Could I be so happy because THE SANDALS HAVE ARRIVED? (Yes, I WAS shouting there.) It is like when you meet certain celebrities in real life you say, oh my goodness,they are better looking in person than they are on America's Next Top Model CNN.

This phenomenon is true of THE SANDALS. Exquisite. Even with my winter white feet and slightly hairy big toes. And the wart on my baby toe? It must go away before THE SANDALS can be worn. Don't my feet sound frightening? And yet THE SANDALS can overcome all the sins of the foot. They are that good.

But no, that is not the reason for my joy, although it does boost my happiness levels to near record highs.

Before you ask, it is not the full cup of Starbucks Sulawesi in my favorite mug. But it does seem to warm my very soul.

No, these are all good things and contribute to my total happiness. But they are not the source.

I picked up my prayer journal this afternoon and read these words written yesterday concerning a tough situation I am battling at the jail. The words I used were, "bad, hopeless, and useless."

Today, I discovered that God had a plan the entire time. What Satan had no doubt meant for destruction and discouragement, God has used for good and for His glory.

I got to watch. The timing was perfection. The orchestration was flawless. It is absolutely astonishing to see how He cares for us.

Now I have more uphill battles at the jail to face, as we all do in our everyday lives.

But I know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I just forget sometimes.

God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. Yeah.

(if you are praying, please pray for Jail time Wedneday night and Thursday night bible study at the prison. Your prayers are SO appreciated by everyone involved.)

Fluffy post/serious post..two posts in one!

I really do want to write a shallow, funny post, but serious subjects keep floating to the top instead. I guess that's just how it goes for now. But I'm sure I'll be back with things that are amusing soon.

Like how Rod, in planning a little camping trip to the lake yesterday, invited everyone.....to a cabin that sleeps 10. I believe he invited about two dozen too many.

Whoops.

Somebody let their enthusiasm for family get-to-gethers interfere with their basic math skills. Gotta love him. That's what I keep telling myself, over and over, as I make the obligatory phone calls with the proper conciliatory tone.

Actually, 99.9% of the time, it is no struggle to love Rod at all. He is just a big bundle of goofy goodness.

I, however, am a different story entirely. I'm positive that half of all Rod's prayer time must be spent in begging God to help him figure out HOW HE CAN LOVE SOMEONE WHO JUST SPENT $85.00 ON SANDALS. (Okay, to be honest, he doesn't know quite yet that I spent $85.00 on sandals, but he will eventually.When I tell him....at just the right time. Hopefully, he'll be awake. I'll keep you updated. In case you need to search for my body in our new garden area. I'm just saying.)

Okaaaaay. Switching gears. (Don't you like how I warn you, rather than just change subjects all willy-nilly , like I do in real-life conversation?)

Last night I went into prison and brought the DVD, Mel Gibson's "The Passion" in for the ladies. I did notice that over 100 women signed up to come in and watch, rather than the normal 30 or so that usually attend Prison Fellowship with us.(You'll be relieved to know that I was able to "woman up" and swallow my bitterness and envy that they don't all fight to get in the room when I am leading a lesson.....This is about JESUS, after all. And I hope you know I am so kidding. No envy. No bitterness. Amen)

Wow. Can I just say WOW. I am sitting here with my fingers poised over the keyboard wondering how I am going to communicate the total awesomeness of being there and sharing this story together.

Some of us prayed before hand. A couple ladies, not staying for the film came in when they saw the crowd and asked me to just pray with them. I was privileged.

We cried as Jesus was betrayed by his friend. We cried when Peter denied knowing him. We flinched and wept as Jesus was beat so unmercifully. The gal sitting next to me, weeping until her eyes were red and swollen, just rocked back and forth in her chair and whispered, "Thank-you, Jesus," each time he was struck.

All of the scenes when Jesus was with his mother were particularly difficult for these women who have little, if any contact with their own children.

When he was crucified, the entire roomful of prisoners, some believers, some not yet, were in tears.

The fact that he died for us, while were yet sinners, was not lost on this crowd. How obvious it was to all of us that he chose to die, that he loved us and forgave us, even as he was being tortured and killed.

It was a truly remarkable time, and although we were "cried out" and emotionally drained afterwards, we were also thoughtful and grateful.

Basically, we had us some church in the prison last night!

Have yourselves a wonderful Easter, everyone!!

"Behold,I am coming soon! My reward is with me and I will give to everyone according to what he has done.

I am the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Rev.22:12-13

Into His Wonderful Light

Thank you to those who had time to pray last week. What a total blessing it was! Opening up God's word with women who are so hungry to learn is such a privilege. The responsibility weighs heavy on me each week and I don't take it lightly, so if you ever feel led to pray for us on Wednesday and/or Thursday nights, that would be tremendous.

We have a variety of women prisoners show up. Some have been coming each week for a long time, some are new, some show up just to see what is going on. Last week we had a lady, very visibly pregnant come for the first time. One woman comes in a wheel chair each week.

I don't know what crimes anyone committed to get them in this prison. But I know that all of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This is not just rhetoric that we can quote and shrug and go on with our day.

It is truth. All of us deserve punishment from a righteous God. These women's sins happened to be illegal in our society and so their consequence is prison time.

Last week, one of the questions I asked the group in the process of our study was, " What are the sinful desires that wage war in your soul?"

In a bible study on the "outside", I probably would have heard answers such as, "Gossiping. Anger. Coveting." etc. Good, tried and true suburban answers.

These are the actual answers that were called out this evening on the inside, "Lust. Murder. Addiction. Rage. Orgies. Alcoholism. Adultery. Lying. Incest.

It breaks my heart to think of what they must have lived through in their lives to have those answers ready to shout out.

Then we discussed 1st Peter 2:2-12, and how God has called us out of that darkness and into His wonderful light, and how we can live such good lives that even our non-believing cellies (roommates) may notice and give glory to God.

Good times. Really good times.

Hey people!

Can you spare some time? Just a couple moments to say a prayer?

I'm heading back into prison tonight to lead the women in a bible study on the early church. I'm in over my head, but I just love being there anyway. I cannot stop coughing loudly and that pretty much messes up my speaking ability.

Will you prayer for this group of 30 women tonight? Some know the Lord and some are just getting introduced.

The women there pretty much KNOW they need Jesus. Rather refreshing.

Worshipping with this group is an experience you can only get with a group of ladies who are broken sinners and prisoners. Singing "Amazing Grace My Chains are Gone" and "I Will Wait Upon the Lord" take on new dimensions behind bars.They have lost everything and cling to Jesus.

Did I mention I love being there?

If you are looking for Jesus, by the way, you might try prison sometime.

Thank you for praying.

Please send cheese

It will pair very nicely with my whine. And I am a-whining.

All of the illnesses that have been surrounding me for the last few weeks finally caught me and I am SICK. (Capitalizing makes me feel like it is more serious and you will be more sympathetic somehow.Don't ask me to explain that. I am SICK.) I can't believe that all my compulsive hand washing and my Great Wall of Pillows when Rod and I went to bed at night didn't keep me safe from illness.

So, because I am trapped at home so I don't infect half of Clackamas County, I am trying work on the bible study that I am leading in prison later this week .But I just keep reading over the same passages over and over and they make no sense no matter how many times I read them. Probably because I am SICK. (or God is not allowing truth to penetrate my heart any more)

I am getting nowhere with the bible study today.I should move on to another project that is due in a couple weeks: our taxes. I wonder how many times I'd have to read that over before I decided to throw it away or let Chopper do them this year.

You know, that sounds like I good idea. Probably because I am SICK.