Thursday, September 24, 2015

Welcome to the Jungle

Okay it is not an actual jungle. But it does feel like one.
Some might call this a season in the desert, all this grieving and anguish and gnashing of teeth. But , for me, it is the jungle, and it is a dark and scary place to be.

The jungle is very dense and we can't even see a few feet in front of us. It is even hard to breathe. There is no trail  that we can see  there doesn't seem to be a way out.

As the month has gone on, we are facing the fact that our son is probably going to be divorced soon.

Divorce. It is now one of the most despised and hated words in my vocabulary.
Is it common?
That does not take even an iota of the sting away.

(Death is common, too. Does that negate the pain? Not  a even a little bit.)

The word represents the unbelievable pain, betrayal, weeping and fear of the future and what this means for my grandchildren. My precious, loved, adored grandchildren. It can feel like I'm dying inside every minute when I think of them. The fact that I can't fix this could destroy me.

Our. Family.Is Falling Apart.

And we can't stop it.

This hurts so bad that I hear myself moaning from it.
How is a  mother supposed to just watch her children and grandchildren in such anguish and not be able to help?
Our prayers to God have sounded something like this: PleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodFixthisfixthisfixthisfixthisfixthisfixthisPleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGodPleaseGod...and on and on.
And He answers us by reminding us that:
 we are not in charge.
 He loves us
He is good, all the time.
 He is faithful
He will work everything out according to His plan.
 He is HERE.
He is the same yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)
Believing these things in our hearts and not just knowing them in our heads has allowed us to look ahead.
He has given us strength to carry us through each hour of each day.
I have been clinging to Him in the middle of my jungle like never before.

I haven't been handling this the best though, with grace and dignity like I would have hoped. I swear, in my mind I always handle tragedy so much better, with maybe just a tear or two glistening in my eye, a calm demeanor and a few wise words.
 Well, if grace and dignity look like laying on on the fir needle and dirty ground in a pile in the woods sobbing my eyes out, or walking down the trails waving my arms around like a lunatic as I shout to God to HELP US NOW!! then I handled it like a boss. (and there was that one night with a bottle of wine. Just keepin' it real.)

I haven't been able to go to church because the thought of walking in and worshipping with all my people there just wreaks me. Honestly, I feel like my weeping and wailing would scare everyone. I am terribly afraid I would just fall apart in front of everyone and I am scared of that. Oh, and there is no oil for this. I tried them all. :-)

 So, please do not think I am avoiding you.
Well,actually I am avoiding you.
 But, don't take it personally.
It's me. It's not you.
This is not my church people's fault; just how I have been dealing with it lately.

Some things that have helped all of us in the middle of this mud puddle are the kind caring people that have come alongside of us and loved us. Notes and messages, phone calls and texts, flowers, hugs, meals, books and other encouragement. Just grieving/crying with us sometimes has been the best thing.
For all of you that helped and encouraged us during the planning and carrying out of our daughter's wedding; what you did will never be forgotten. We owe you all a debt we cannot repay for the thousands of details, big and small that you took care of during those days.You made it possible for my family to have a beautiful, meaningful and profound wedding celebration in the middle of our family tragedy. It was truly
And now she is a Blaesing!
stunning and miraculous, made more so by the way you all took care of us. You carried us when we didn't know how we could do it.
Seriously, God bless you people!

 And prayers. Oh my gosh, to know that you are praying for this family has been more helpful and encouraging than you know.

 For those of you who have jumped head first into the middle of our /mud puddle/jungle with us, regardless of how ugly it is; we thank you.

You have taught us by your example how to better help and reach out to those that are hurting around us. You have showed us how to be Jesus to our friends going through hard,life-altering circumstances. We will never forget what each of you has done to make our burden lighter. I hope and pray that I can be the friend to you that you have been to us.
So, I apologize if this post is scattered and nonsensical to you,( and needs editing) but I am just trying to let you know where we are. If you remember, please pray for my son and daughter-in-law and Max and Lilli.
Divorce hurts. But we are learning to rely on God in a new and deeper way, and for that we are thankful.

“We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead.” (2 Corinthians 4:8b-9 NLT)

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