Friday, February 3, 2012

Darn those rebel forces.

I received this urgent letter yesterday which , not only gives me the opportunity to help others, but make a boatload of money for myself  at the same time. 
What a deal! 

 As I wonder about the letter-writer I bet they are hoping I have an image similar to this one in my head. 
Here is the letter. Still not sure how to respond besides to thank them for all the minute details and to ask them how on earth they knew to send this letter to me.

"Dear Guardian,

I wish to solicit your help in migrating to your
country, My name is Kenneth Williams and Juliet are
the children of Late General Alexander Williams the
former Director of military intelligence and special
acting General Manager of the Sierra Leone Diamond
mining operation(SLDMC ).
I am contacting you to seek your good assistance to
transfer and invest USD8million belonging to my late
father which is deposited in a bank in lome,Togo. This
money is revenues from solid minerals and diamonds
sale which were under my fathers possession before the
civil war broke out.
Following the brake out of the war, almost all
government offices, cooperations and prostates were
attacked and vandalized. The SLDMC was looted and
burnt down to ashes, and diamonds worth millions of
dollars was stolen by the rebel military forces who
attacked my fathers office.
Many top government officials and senior army officers
were assassinated and my father was a key target
because of his very sensitive military position and
appointment in the SLDMC. Regrettably, my father was
captured and murdered along with half brother in cool
blood during a mid-night rebel shoot-out when our
official residence in Freetown was ambushed by Fordey
Sanko the notorious rebel leader.
My mother sustained very sever bullet injuries which
resulted to her untimely and painful death in a
private hospital here in lome,Togo.
Now we are alone in a totally strange country without
parents, relatives or any body to care for us at our
tender ages.
Before our mother died, she told us that our father
deposited some money which he made from diamond
sales and contracts at this bank here in lome,Togo and
that we should pray and find a trustworthy foreign
business partner who would help us to transfer and
invest this money in profitable business venture
overseas. She told us to do this quickly so that we
can leave Togo with our cousin brother-Arthur
who is here in the camp with us and, then settle down
abroad. She gave us all the bank documents to prove
the deposit and then told us that my father used my
name as the only son to deposit the money in the bank.
She told us that this is the reason why we came to lome,
Togo. My mother died afterwards. May her spirit
rest in perfect peace.
I have gone to the bank to make inquires about this
money and I spoke with the director of International
remittance who assured me that the everything is
intact and promised to help me transfer this money to
my foreign partners bank account as soon as I provide
my partners foreign bank account for them. However,
the director is very concerned because of my age, I am
21 years and as such promised to help me and he would
like to speak with my partner to ensure that this
money is invested wisely in only profitable business
because of his personal interest and sympathy for me.
Please note that I can only offer you 25% of the total
money as compensation for your noble assistance in
accordance with my mothers advise. I am interested in
any profitable commercial venture which you consider
very good in your country and you would also get a
school for me, my little sister and cousin so that we
can finish our college education.
I shall give you more details when I receive your
urgent response, depending on your reply to this,
Thanks, and God bless you, give you the wisdom
to carry out this great deal.
I await your immediate response to this email address:
Yours sincerely.

I don't think this is what they had in mind when they wrote this wonderfully detailed, personal letter to me, but this is the image I have stuck in my head. 

How would you respond?

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Muffin-top,

You need to know that you have over-stayed your welcome.
Don't get me wrong; you have served your purpose. You have kept me warm all winter long with your layer of fluffiness.
You have made me jolly. Well, maybe not actually jolly, but I think I may have looked jolly.
The way you poof out over the waistband of all my pants is slightly endearing. It looks kind of like a sweet marshmallow puffing up all gooey in the microwave.
(What? You haven't tried this? Go do it now. I'll wait.)
Because you are the super-size muffin-top, and almost as large as a whole other person, you have kept me company when I feel lonely. Your bubbly personality spills over when you bounce along the jogging trail with me. Thanks for that.
Your playfulness is apparent every time you pop out to say "Holla!" just as I am stretching for the Cap'n Crunch on the top shelf
Cute, right?
But I'd appreciate it so much if you would stop doing this in public as it not only frightens me, but others as well.
Anyhoo, it is time for you to go. Although it feels cozy to have you wrapped around me all winter, spring is right around the corner, and frankly, you don't look so good in my spring and summer clothes. I think it's the colors, as well as the cut of my wardrobe. Black is clearly your color, but the warm months call for white and turquoise, yellow and orange.
Which do not do you justice. All your rolls are exposed. Not a pretty look.

There is also the issue of health. You are just not healthy. You cause me to be unhealthy and anxious.
 You make me worry about driving to the store one day, getting hit by another car (in which case you would make a fine air bag.) and needing to go to the hospital. While I am in the ER, they find out I am bleeding internally, so they need to do emergency surgery. This means they would need to hold my pannus (that is YOU, Muffin-top) to the side in order to perform this life saving surgery. Frankly this brings unpleasant  images to my mind.
 See? Muffin-top anxieties.

Of course, many people are probably NOT worried about this little scenario, but there are the other, more obvious, health risks such as diabetes high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.
As you can see, Muffin, you need to leave.
 I am going to kick your butt.
If you even have a butt is beside the point.