Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dear Muffin-top,

You need to know that you have over-stayed your welcome.
Don't get me wrong; you have served your purpose. You have kept me warm all winter long with your layer of fluffiness.
You have made me jolly. Well, maybe not actually jolly, but I think I may have looked jolly.
The way you poof out over the waistband of all my pants is slightly endearing. It looks kind of like a sweet marshmallow puffing up all gooey in the microwave.
(What? You haven't tried this? Go do it now. I'll wait.)
Because you are the super-size muffin-top, and almost as large as a whole other person, you have kept me company when I feel lonely. Your bubbly personality spills over when you bounce along the jogging trail with me. Thanks for that.
Your playfulness is apparent every time you pop out to say "Holla!" just as I am stretching for the Cap'n Crunch on the top shelf
Cute, right?
But I'd appreciate it so much if you would stop doing this in public as it not only frightens me, but others as well.
Anyhoo, it is time for you to go. Although it feels cozy to have you wrapped around me all winter, spring is right around the corner, and frankly, you don't look so good in my spring and summer clothes. I think it's the colors, as well as the cut of my wardrobe. Black is clearly your color, but the warm months call for white and turquoise, yellow and orange.
Which do not do you justice. All your rolls are exposed. Not a pretty look.

There is also the issue of health. You are just not healthy. You cause me to be unhealthy and anxious.
 You make me worry about driving to the store one day, getting hit by another car (in which case you would make a fine air bag.) and needing to go to the hospital. While I am in the ER, they find out I am bleeding internally, so they need to do emergency surgery. This means they would need to hold my pannus (that is YOU, Muffin-top) to the side in order to perform this life saving surgery. Frankly this brings unpleasant  images to my mind.
 See? Muffin-top anxieties.

Of course, many people are probably NOT worried about this little scenario, but there are the other, more obvious, health risks such as diabetes high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.
As you can see, Muffin, you need to leave.
 I am going to kick your butt.
If you even have a butt is beside the point.

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