Thursday, September 25, 2008

Where to begin

The end, I think. This is our last blog together for the Beth Moore Believing God bible study with Linda at 2nd Cup of Coffee. I could get all choked up about that, but I suspect we'll all stay friends.

Gosh, anyone else want to burst into song? "Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them... and a friend will not say never..."

or were you singing "Sad eyes....turn the other way. I don't want to see you cry-yyyy."

Either way.

On to the bible study.


I don't have all my thoughts organized into articulate thoughts, but I do want to say that God slapped me upside the head with the day four lesson this week.

I pray for Him to bless me with wisdom and to grow me in every spiritual truth as only He can.
He responds by body slamming me. In love.
He confronted me head-on. He kindly pointed out where I was lacking and selfish. Where I needed to depend on Him. Follow Him. Believe Him.

He has been gently showing me for a while now that I have not been loving people the way He wants me to. The way that is best. That I have been holding myself back. Selfish and aloof, even. Basically, I have been letting myself go.

Kind of like when you neglect exercising and eat too much for too long. Eventually your body becomes out of shape and possibly even pre-diabetic.

I have been allowing myself to put my wants first, becoming lazy and unfit, telling myself that I am not really needed, or it doesn't really matter, or I don't fit in with that group of people. Telling myself whatever I need to so I don't need to get involved. So I can walk away.

Who? Me? NO!

I DO stuff, God. I help out in all kinds of ways.

How can I not have this lesson down already? Did you not show me what love was by Randy's and Nanci's unselfish example when you had them rescue me? Have you not shown me by Rod's daily unconditional love? Did you not show me by your ultimate sacrificial love and forgiveness as you bled and died on the cross for my heinous crimes?

And yet I still find myself unwilling to follow you there. Unwilling to believe that you mean for me to love people like Randy and Nanci do, like Rod does. Like you do.
Unwilling to believe.

"Imitate God, therefore,in everything you do, because you are His dear children. Live a life filled with love,following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered Himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." Ephesians 5:1-2

Those words burn me like fire tonight. Lord, forgive me. Help me to follow the example of Christ and not give in to numbness and selfishness.

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

Lord, I believe. Help me to believe.

(Special thanks to my friend who listened to me weep unashamedly, at her kitchen counter this week as I wrestled with God over this.)
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