Open letter to Mr.Squirrel

Dear Mr. Squirrel,
Let me start my apologizing.
I'm sorry if I screamed and scared you when you ran, uninvited, into my house. You just startled me with your speed and your chattering. And let's face it; you ARE a rodent.
I'm sure you'll have noticed that our dogs, although large, are not great hunting dogs. I do believe this is why you are extending your stay with us.
To be honest, I kinda thought you had left sometime yesterday when I left each and every door and window open so it would be easy and convenient for you.

There are a couple issues that I need to bring up.
Last night, I heard you rustling around in the books on the floor by my nightstand. I'm sure you thought you were being quiet and unobtrusive and didn't hear me wake up. Probably because I wasn't making any noise because I had pretty much stopped breathing.
When Rod turned on his lamp, we saw you run like a rat out of *ell, (excuse the expression) straight into the closet. First of all, I don't think I would scream like that if you would just walk slowly and sedately across the floor, rather than darting around like a tweaking chipmunk on amphetamines. Seriously, If you would step carefully, I would try to use my inside voice.

You ran directly into MY side of the closet. Let me clarify. MY side of the closet where my new Steve Madden lace up, mid calf boots reside. I'm not sure if you thought that would make a cozy place to nap, or a safe spot to store up some walnuts for the winter, or just a place to curl up and do some reading, but let me be clear, Mr. Squirrel. Those boots will not fit you and I do not want to find you or remnants of your stay in the boots. Nor do I want to find the leather more distressed than is usual.
With that said, I do believe your stay with us has reached it's conclusion. Again, I do apologize for the random screaming.
The doors and windows are open. Please leave.
Thank you.

And that's all I have to say about that.