I'm a fraud

Pretty much that's what I want to say. After a while I get burdened with pretending to be someone I'm not and I have an overwhelming need to come clean and say I'm not who I seem to be.

I think because I lived as I fraud for so many years that I still struggle.

I'm not comfortable hiding. I need to be free and sometimes the details of everyday life bind me.

I eat Cheetos. Sometimes for breakfast. I isolate myself for days on end because I'm comfortable doing that.

I have a short temper with those I love the most. (Rod)

Sometimes I think that a delegation from church is going to drive up my driveway, knock on my door and come in and see the dishes in the sink and the dog hair on the floor. (who am I kidding? It's on every available surface.) They'll see piles of books everywhere. Some are great. Some? Not so good. They'll politely inform me that I can no longer attend my church because I am not who I've seemed to be.

Never mind the church delegation. How about Jesus shows up?

I need to be saved. Again. Today.

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.

(The above part of the post was written Friday of Saturday this week.The following was written today.)

This past weekend at church, God showed up and spoke to me. He spoke through Pastor Alan who gave the message and Pastor Jonathan who taught the theology class I went to.
Alan said,
"Would you be willing to let the Lord be your source of joy, rather than medicating yourself with Cheetos and isolation?"

If you go listen to the sermon you will be able to pick out my paraphrase. But I got the gist of it. Oh yes I did.

Then later on, Jonathan spoke about the fruits of the spirit in Galatians. He was talking about how he would try to project a patient image, rather than actually being patient. Until his Dad kindly pointed it out to him by saying "so you don't really have to be patient, just act like you are?"

Ouch. Good ouch.

That is the crux of my problem, I think. I don't need to act like I love someone, or act like I'm patient, or try to act kind.

Let God be those things through me.

It is not my job to be those things, to strive to achieve the fruits of the spirit.

I need to abide in Him.

The fruits of the Spirit will be the result of my abiding...resting in Him.

Big sigh of relief.

Yes, these are things I know, but they are truths that I need to be reminded of so I don't stay in the dumps, focusing on myself with in-grown eyeballs.
So, with a resounding "YES!" I say I am more than willing to let the Lord be my source of joy again.

(originally posted in June 08....But wanting Jesus to be my source of joy again this morning. His love, his grace, his sacrifice. His mercies are new every morning. Thank you Jesus.)

Forgetting I'm in the race

I'm trying to lose some weight.

My goal is to lose 20 lbs by Christmas. I am halfway there, but I've stalled out.
Partly because I haven't been able to run the loop because of all the snow and ice. Partly because of my lightning quick moves of popping anything with butter and/or sugar into my mouth without conscience thought.

I am a Butter Ninja.

I am not in a race with anyone else, just trying to set a goal, get healthy and be able to squeeze myself into a pair of jeans without looking like I squeezed myself into a pair of jeans.


This morning I weighed myself and was spitting angry and ready to kill the next person I saw slightly concerned to see I've gained a pound.


Sure, it might be the rich, buttery hollandaise sauce I spooned onto my chicken cordon bleu and broccoli.


Or the piece of pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting that I accidentally ate after dinner.


Whatever.

It might be because I now have to exercise on the elliptical machine (read: hated device of torture) where I drape myself over the handle bars and basically hold my weight up with my arms while chugging half-heartedly along.


Yeah, picture that, why don'tcha.


I need to recognize that I am in a race, even if it is only with myself.


If I continue to thoughtlessly eat whatever deep-fried, ranch dipped morsel I see, and only exercise as if I'm a tired mama bear entering her hibernation, I will not reach my goal.


This made me think of the other race I'm in. The other race I always I forget I'm in.


The one that matters more than my battle of the bulge.


1 Corinthians 9:24 Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!


Galatians 5:7 You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?


Philippians 2:16 Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless.


Philippians 3:14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.


Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.


I forget I'm in this race sometimes.

I get a grouchy, tired attitude.

I "feed" myself with things that aren't necessarily good for me, and certainly won't help me run a race.

I don't live as if I'm in training,but as if I'm on vacation and it's all about ME.

I get lackadaisical and half-hearted and don't run with endurance.

Ouch.

My goal for this race is simple:

2 Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.

This would be my prize:
Hearing the Lord say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Take a minute and just imagine that moment.
Really, think about Jesus saying those words to you when you have finished your race.

This prize pretty much makes my other prize of fitting into a pair of jeans look kind of silly and just about meaningless.

Do you ever forget you are running a race?

Dashing Through the Snow

So we got our first blanket of snow.
I love snow.
It covers up all the problem areas in our yard and makes it look like Narnia.
It is quiet and peaceful and beautiful.(please remind me of this when I am hating all the snow in February.Thank you.)

It doesn't quite cover all our mistakes. The cover for the grill,however, is buried in the snow next to the grill. We will find it in May, 2011.

Regardless of all the snowishness. I still need to hurry into town, go to Costco and then get my hair did.

According to the news, I need to do this NOW, this MORNING, before the icy claws of old Man Winter grip the entire area and all manner of havoc is wreaked.

The dogs are out of biscuits, and this is BIG.
They come inside after their morning romp in the snow and trot quickly over to the biscuit drawer and wait happily for it to be opened and them to get their snack. It is like Christmas every day.
This is what happened this morning, when they showed up at the empty biscuit drawer:
Sadness ensued. You could see their disbelief and watch as the hope died.
The disappointment was palpable.

So I must go over the river(s) and through the woods and snow to Costco. I will bring the dogs their biscuits so I don't have to experience their accusing eyes again.
So, which boots do I wear out into this Monday weather?The utilitarian Colombian snow boots with world class traction? Or the London Fog furry snow boots that look super cute?
Would it help to know that a mouse died in one of the furry boots a few weeks ago, and there is a possibility that one might be able to detect an unpleasant odor when I walk by?
Guess which boots I'm wearing?
(I am more shallow than you might think.)
(I'll use an extra spray of "Happy" this morning. Just in case.)

Random stuff and also some things

Erin, my blogging friend did a post a couple days ago on random things that are going on in their lives.
In honor of Erin, and the fact that I have absolutely nothing to say and yet still find myself typing , I too, will do a random post, complete with bullets.
In no particular order.

• Thanksgiving is next week. I am bringing pumpkin pie. I am buying it at Costco. Riveting, yes?

• We have snow. I prefer it to the rain. The dogs, goats and horses prefer it to the rain. Rod prefers the rain.(worried about getting to work blah blah blah) He will be voted off the island mountain at the next tribal council. The tribe has spoken.

• I am staring out the window wondering what the next random, bulleted point will be and how lame I can actually become.


• There is snow and ice on the steps that I am staring at, and I should really go scrape that off before someone falls and hurts themselves and can't cook me dinner. Naw.

• My friend, Jen and I have been listening faithfully to all both podcasts of "Groupthink Rescue" a weekly production headed up by a teaching pastor at our church. Starts good, biblical discussions and has the potential to shift some long standing paradigms. I highly recommend it. Here is your shout out, Dan Franklin. :-)
• I am almost done with Christmas shopping which means I will have plenty 'o' time to work on the organizing of gifts and help for families in need at church this year. So much fun, to work on this! (call/email if you or your group want to help a family in our area this year)

• Just got a phone call and the families I have been concerned about this Thanksgiving are now having turkey dinners provided. So thankful for the family that is putting up all the turkeys! Looks like we'll be turkey wrangling tomorrow.
  

I really do love Thanksgiving. I guess I was just feeling blah. Which makes for a super fun-filled and exciting post, don't ya think?
Me, too.

And turkey is the best. I love it with stuffing and cranberries and gravy. I love it by itself.

Here is the turkey I made in 2007. Yes, of course I took a picture. I cherish the memory of this bacon wrapped, maple glazed, oven roasted beauty.

But, I'll be honest. It made terrible soup. Tasted like turkey pancake soup. Not my best idea.

All this talk of Thanksgiving has cheered me up, and I seriously can't tell you how happy I am that lots of people will get blessed with a delivered Thanksgiving dinner basket next week.
What are you especially thankful for this year?

I thank God for the iPod

Seriously, don't you?

Also I am super happy this week about the CD by Third Day, Move.

I just thought how appropriate that is, as we have been going through a move this week with the kids moving in with us. (You might be hearing about that a time or 87. It is only fair. They get a roof over their heads. I get blog fodder.)

Back to Third Day and their great, great CD. I just have no words. But you should at least go take a listen.

This CD kept me running an extra .5 mile this morning with me imploding like a an old casino in LasVegas not noticing. (well, almost not noticing.)

I was running the loop while playing air guitar during "Everywhere You Go." Sweet!

The wild air drumming began on "Follow Me There."

And if you are not waving your arms like crazy while singing along with Mac and the guys on "Lift Up Your Face", well then...Go take a listen and then tell me you are not at least tapping your foot a few times or maybe warming up your favorite air instrument.

Honestly, this super sweet, Southern rock-gospel-hillbilly-pop-whatever just makes my heart sing loud and I worship from the inside out.

Kinda like how a microwave works.

Hmmmm.

I really wish I could go all Oprah on you and say "

And you EACH GET A FREE COPY!!! AND YOU!! AND YOU!!! AND YOU!!

But, I am not Oprah, and no one is paying me to say these words, or giving me free CD's to give away so you will have to go get your own. But I would love to hear if you like it as much as I do. Let me know!!

Have a good day, friends!

The "honeymoon" phase with new roomies.

You may have heard we have some new roomies.

Or cellies, as we sometimes call them.

Our son Josiah, his wife, Ashley, and their son, Max, AKA, Mister, Monkey, THE JOY OF OUR EXISTENCE AND OUR REASON FOR LIVING or Baby.

Anyway, here are a few random things that have been heard around here during the two weeks since they have moved in.

"We get to make dinner tomorrow night, okay?" (this is good for two reasons: Siah likes to cook and we like to eat. Classic win-win.)

"Please don't mop before I have a chance to do it when I am off of work. We live here now, too, you know." (Okay, Ashley. I'll try to hold off.)

"Aaaauuuuuugggghhhhh!!!" This was so high pitched and piercing that I think paint may have peeled off the neighbor's house and was emitted by Rod this morning in bed when Max placed his chubby fingers on Rod's bare nipple, dug in with his abnormally strong fingers, pinched and then pulled straight back. I think Rod may have lost conscienceness before Max lost his grip.

"Why does this room smell so magically delicious and not like wet dirty dog like the rest of the house?" (Ashley sells, and thus owns an outlandish product which simultaneously looks beautiful, heats up some yummy smelling wax and has a sparkly little night light effect going on. I don't even need to buy any and I reap the benefits from my roomie.

"Why are there TWO computers on the desk in the office?" That is so I can change my FB status and watch last night's episode of "The Office", Duh!) work twice as efficiently a before. Duh!

"Wait a second. You just made a call and doubled our Internet speed and it didn't cost us a dime? Are you the man of steel?

"Wow. I had totally forgotten how much fun it is to fall asleep to movies in my room at night. Thanks for the extra T.V., best roomies ever."

Me, grumbling, "Where are all my potholders? Did I leave them out in the camper?" Ashley: "Oh, I'll crochet you one! Look, I'll start now!"

And she did.

"What the heck? Did you clean out the dishwasher? And then you LOADED IT,TOO? But, you're a dude....and I raised you...and...and...oh...(sound of muffled crying as I hugged and kissed my boy.) Sure, all he did was cleaned out the dishwasher and loaded it, and I should probably expect that from roommates.

But I hadn't prepared myself for ADULT Josiah moving in, you see. Being all responsible and stuff. Being a firefighter in a war zone, getting married, having a baby son, sure, I can deal.

But cleaning out the dishwasher and loading it back up with the dishes from the sink. I simply was not prepared.

You want to sweep a woman clean off her feet? Unload her dishwasher and load it back up.

Am I right, or am I right, ladies?

I'm sure I'll have a different list when they have over stayed their welcome. I can't even imagine that now, especially with all the benefits they bring.

Hello, Max! Hi there, faster Internet!

Perhaps in in late September 2012 or next Saturday at 8:11 PM.

I know, I know.

It's all fun and games for now, until someone doesn't want to clean their bathroom, or put away the milk carton that they just swigged from or rub Mama's feet with warm lotion for an hour or two.

But all is not lost.

I figure if the right person reads this, I'll still be able to rent them out for a pretty penny.