Thursday, September 16, 2010

Avoidance Behavior

Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed with situations or circumstances I will avoid experiencing the emotions of it.

Please tell me you do this ,too.

My fears this week are because Josiah is going to be a civilian firefighter working for our government in Afghanistan.

For a year.

Leaving his new wife and baby Max. But they have worked through the decision making process together and I am proud, so proud, of their family.

But, rather than do the healthy thing, by facing my fears and moving through it, I will post about what I do instead. Sound fun?

I don't know what avoidance behavior looks like to you, but I sure can tell you what it looks like to me. I'll call it the three "F's".

The first one is "Food"


I will eat like a starving hyena, gobbling down my food as though the other predators on the savanna are circling. It actually does muffle my pain for a little while.
At least until the first burp.

Why am I scarfing down the Cake Batter ice cream, you ask?

Because it is time for breakfast, that's why.

Why I couldn't choose a healthy obsession like Shredding with Jillian rather cramming down Little Debbie cream-filled oatmeal pies,which, FYI, I don't even LIKE. No clue.

My next "F" stands for "Footwear".

Can I get an Amen?

I won't lie, I love me some nice boots. Something about the smell of new leather calls to me. Boots might be another one of my love languages. When I am searching for new shoes from Zappos I can forget for those few days moments the fears I have. Boots are like chicken soup for the sole, dontcha think? It works for me. At least until the UPS man leaves.

My newest obsession is my third "F", "Friesian horses".
Oh my word. I love these stunning, majestic creatures. Other horse breeds are dead to me when I look at the Friesian pictures on the internet. (Sorry Drifter. Love you, Polly. Mean it.) While I search the web for horse farms where they raise these horses (hello, Martha Stewart) I can forget my pain and anxiousness and set my worries aside. But they are waiting for me when I am done dreaming about Friesians.

None of these things are wrong, in fact I like to picture myself, in a new pair of Steve Maddens, eating a Burgerville Tillamook cheeseburger, riding on my perfect Friesian stallion. Or maybe styling it's gorgeous mane, or taking another picture of it. Or just hugging it and never letting go.
Welcome to Diane World.

I know that Jesus tells us to bring us our burdens and he will give us rest.

He IS rest.

But I am afraid to name all of my fears for this next year.Because if I actually do bring my burden to Jesus, than I have to feel it, and I am a little afraid of that emotion. Actually, alot afraid.

This week, saying that I am "giving it to Jesus" and "laying it at the foot of the cross" have just been memorized statements. I want it to be more than words. But right now, it has just been that.

I'm sad that my son will miss his baby's first year. That tears me up.

We have so enjoyed, over-the-top enjoyed, our Sunday dinners and movies with this new little Meyer family and I am broken up that it will not be the same for a while.

I'm afraid about things being different. I've been awful comfortable and happy. Super happy. Extra comfortable.
But I do SO believe that Jesus will ease my fears if I only focus on him.
Follow him.
Have faith.
Let the friends he has placed in my life comfort me.
Leave my fears at the foot of the cross.
That is quite a few "F's" right there. And I didn't even have to try real hard to make that work.
Anyway, I expect I'll be crying this out for a while.Don't let me scare you.
But I know where to turn and what to do. And it doesn't actually involve food, footwear or Friesians.
I'm not gonna lie. I might not want to say no to the occasional Ficodin, or a stray Falium. Just sayin'.

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