My beauty secrets...You're welcome.

They say that your eyes are the window to the soul. If this is true, my eyes are windows to a very old soul.

And the windows may need a little work.

A little pick-me-up, if you know what I mean.

When I was younger it took me mere moments to get ready to leave the house.

Who am I kidding? I didn't get ready. I just left. I looked fine. There were no wrinkles or crevices that needed to be filled in with industrial grade Spackle. My eyes hadn't sunk into my skull like a special effect on "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." I could get away with wearing extra-glittery eyeshadow.If I did that now, it would just draw attention to the fact that they look like last year's jack-o-lantern.

Not the look I'm going for.

Not that I want a look that says, " I am twelve years old and Lady GaGa is my mentor."

But a look that says "She looks too young to be a Gramma! Are you sure? How can that be?"

or at least , "She doesn't try too hard. And she's not overly scary."

To be honest, I have never spent much time on my make-up or hair. I kind of resent that I am feeling like I have to spend more time on that as I get older.

Usually, I cut corners on make-up and hair care. For instance, as my friend and hair dresser can attest to, I never fix the back of my hair. I can't see it, therefore it doesn't exist. Please don't burst my bubble by telling me of my rooster tail or woman-bald spot in back. Thank you.

Also, I forget, or never knew, the correct way to apply make-up. A few times, I have applied foundation primer and left the house completely forgetting to then apply the actual foundation. (if you need to ask what foundation primer is, please leave now. You are too young to be reading this.)

Another thing that rankles (that word is awfully close to "wrinkles." Dang it.) is concealer. This is my go-to product. This is the product I would take with me to a desert island. This is the product I would fight for should a mugger try to steal my purse. Actually, I have a few (dozen). Some have more coverage. Some are sheer. Some make promises they can't keep, like they will firm and reduce wrinkles and make my eyes bright and awake.

Listen, sister, NOTHING can make my eyes look younger except a time portal from Star Trek. The most they do is make it slightly less horrific to go to the store and pick up the milk before hurrying home and reapplying.

If you see me out somewhere, please do not mention my the white circles encompassing my old, old eyes. If you don't mention that I look like I have Scary Circus Clown Eyes, then I won't.

I don't believe that hair and make-up are the only things that make a statement about who you are, or who you want to be. You can project a certain image with your clothing, as well. Here's a little trick I like to rock sometimes. Not always on purpose, but whatever.

Try wearing your cotton, highwaisted,Granny underwear with your cool, low slung. hip hugging Ann Taylor Loft jeans. This can make a statement. It says "I am hip and happening, but still of a repectable age."