Thursday, May 16, 2013

Make new friends...

but keep the old.
One is silver and the other gold.

I've know that little ditty since I was itty-bitty little.
I still don't like it, but I appreciate the sentiment, I suppose.

Friendships have been hard for me. There have been times in my life when people, both family members and/or friends drew away from me, not wanting to be friends anymore.(Ah, grade school and high school, you still have some power over me)
Just recently, this has happened again.
Not wanting to be seen as a pathetic, friendless victim, I have learned to act like I didn't care.
 To be carefree and funny.
I learned if I gave people things, they would be my friend. And I learned not to love too much. Because it hurts when people leave you.
So, I learned to leave them first.

This week, in the midst of my bible study, which I do with some friends on Skype, I open the book.
The book I might add, that none of us three  have been especially thrilled with, and discover we are studying friendships.

Not funny, God.
I felt like someone had dropped a bale of hay on me from the loft. (no it hasn't happened yet, but I am certain it will eventually.)

I felt flattened.

Really, God? Can't I just stuff this down and wrap it up tight and just not feel it?
 This scar doesn't even hurt anymore, honest. Please, can't we just look the other way? I will, if you will. :-)

Frankly, I'm not at a place where I can say, "...and then God and I wrestled through this issue and I'm so happy I went through this  and everything is fixed and now I have a grip on this whole friendship thing. Thank you Jesus."

Nope. I am still at the point where I don't even know the zip code, but I am crying angry tears and feeling my heart break, and wondering what I did wrong.
Can't I just buy someone something and tell a joke?
Because this just hurts too much. I want to avoid pain, not run towards it like a freak.

And I'm hurt because my best friend, Jesus, is telling me we need to work on this issue of friendship.
But I'm too scared to. It has been a long time since I've been actually afraid to open the bible and read what God has to say to me about anything. But I am afraid now.

 I'm afraid  I've been doing it wrong all along.
I'm ashamed that I haven't been a good friend.
I'm wondering if this is a waste of time, and that the truth is that every friend I love will desert me if I don't desert them first.
 I'm scared of being hurt more.
I'm terrified of being abandoned again.
I'm afraid that the voice in my ear telling me that I'm worthless and unlovable will be louder than God's quiet  voice reassuring me that He loves me, He will be with me and He is enough.

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

He is enough.
Pray for me.
I'm going in.
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