Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I wish I were watching t.v.

I want to watch t.v., channel surf, eat fried whatever dipped in ranch and have my mind and heart muffled.
But I can't.
I read a post tonight that has me wanting to run away, not look, not think, and not hurt.

Not remember.

I am so tired of this election.

But I am weary and heartsick of children dying everyday because of abortion.

There. I've lost my readers.

You don't want to think about it either. Maybe you don't want to remember.

I know. It hurts. It can destroy us if we let it. We can numb ourselves with food, drugs, meaningless sex, blogging, anger, channel surfing or exercise. Whatever makes us turn away, keep moving and just not think. Not remember.
But if we don't talk about it, it will go on. And on. And on. We should really warn people.
I don't know about you, but I would do anything if God would answer my prayer and just let me go back to that time and that place.

I can almost see myself putting my hand on that door handle and walking through the door. Please, please, turn around.

I see myself being led to the back. Please, don't follow.

I can see myself in the back room and being helped onto the table. Get up and just run.

In my dreams, I leave and don't have the abortion. Do you even know how badly I wish that was what happened?
The truth was, I didn't leave for an hour. My baby never left. My baby died that day in the clinic because I chose to "not be pregnant" , a doctor chose to perform an abortion on a girl who paid him his fee and a country has vehemently decided that this is my right to have my own child put to death.

My children's sibling. They would have been delighted to have an older brother/sister.

My brother and sisters niece/nephew. Children are always loved celebrated in our family.

My husband's child. He would have loved you so much.

My baby, my baby. What have I done? My tears and grieving are not enough to bring you back.

I know that Jesus died on the cross in payment for my sins.
Even this.
I know, beyond any doubt, that I will be reunited with my child in Heaven one day.
But right now, I remember that time and that decision and am just ripped apart.I cry thinking of who my baby might have been and I am so completely destroyed over what I did. I am so very,very sorry.

I apologize that this is not my usual light and funny post.I don't want to think about the "issues" anymore either. I get it.

But I just had to say something as we head into this election where one candidate believes it should be a woman's choice whether or not she kills her own child for any reason what-so-ever.

Of course he would never be so crass as to word it like that.
But I will. Because that is what I did.

All my wishing and praying doesn't change a thing.
I am absolutely haunted by my choice.
And I can't change the channel enough times to make me forget.

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long. Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. Psalm 32:3-7
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