First snow

Good morning, Narnia.
I look forward to the snow every year. I do not get tired of taking pictures of the same subjects all the time. I don't get tired of the snow.
 Actually, that is a lie. I get tired of it in May when we am trying to plant a garden.
But when we are looking forward to Christmas, the snow is a winter wonderland and I love it.
Here are pictures for those of you that do not live in Narnia.

Edited to add the following pictures. Cooper and Lucy just came in from playing in the snow. I am guessing that this is worlds better than the horse manure he usually tracks in. But still...

Do you see what I see?

The sun, the sun, shining in the sky....lalalala la la la la.
Go ahead, sing along. I know all the Oregonians want to.
I am uber-thankful this morning. Oh, so easy on a morning like this, right?

Just wanted to say, for the record, that I am not generically thankful to the universe, or an unnamed higher power or thankful to myself for providing myself with these things I love.

I am thankful to a specific God, the ultimate God, the Creator of the universe and the lifter of my head.
He is the Alpha and Omega God, the  Lion and the Lamb God, the Truth and Grace God.
God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Isaiah 57:15 in The Message says this:
A Message from the high and towering God,
    who lives in Eternity,
    whose name is Holy:
“I live in the high and holy places,
    but also with the low-spirited, the spirit-crushed,
And what I do is put new spirit in them,
    get them up and on their feet again.

That is the Holy God I am thankful to for all these gifts he gives me.

I thought I'd post some pictures of a few things I am thankful for. My grateful list goes on and on, but I couldn't run around and take pictures of everyone and everything. So, if you are not on my list here, rest assured; I am indeed thankful for you.

The Sun, the Sun, shining in the sky...!

This wine came in the mail for me yesterday. That makes me happy.

I think this helped me sleep better last night. Even if it smells like old stinky boy socks. Still thankful.

Thankful for snow in the hills and a roof over my head.

Snoozin' Lucy. She is worn out from her mountain hike yesterday.

Seems I am especially thankful for beverages. Hmmmm. Mt Hood Roasters may be the BCE (Best Coffee Ever.)

Even if they are not thankful to me, EVER, I am thankful for them. I think.

What's not to love? Ruby and Ranger the goats.

Our pond. Just because it's beautiful. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I won't leave the Coopster off my list. Joy to the World!!

Doodle-do

It looks like Cinderella Lucy is napping next to an old mop.

So we kinda knew when we got a Goldendoodle that we would have to do some type of grooming. But I thought we could just do it at home. We trim our horse's ears and stray hairs when needed, occasionally rarely. But we do it.
But Cooper the Doodle had hair that grew and grew and grew. It is a veritable mud magnet.
Here are some BEFORE pics.

Yep, I put a pony in just so I could see his eyes.

Doesn't he look like a giant muppet? (Cooper, not Rod.)

So last friday we finally decided he needed to go see a professional groomer. He is not the only one in the family that needs professional help, but that is beside the point.
Cooper went in for a 4.5 hour spa day. He was petted, pampered and polished. I think he had a fabulous day. AND he didn't look like a mere shadow of his former self, like we were afraid would happen. He looked like Cooper. Only better.
 We can see his eyes! We can see his eyes!

Here are some pictures. Sorry for how bad they are, but I am still experimenting with the new camera.

What to expect when you're expecting...

Nope. Not a pregnancy post. Sorry if you were expecting one based on the title.
Are you disappointed? Let down? Full of frustration?
Well, this is what happens when you have unfulfilled expectations.
Sucks, doesn't it.


I always think I don't have expectations of people. Then I am let down because I find that, in fact, I do.
Without too much conscience thought (because that is how I roll ) I find myself disappointed in people I know. Or am related to.

(FYI: If you are suddenly concerned that I could possibly be talking about you, then, yes.
Yes, I am talking about you. Please do whatever you think is necessary to work your way back into my good graces. I like Starbuck's gift cards, a heartfelt note, (even better if it is poetry), or cash.)

I think at Christmas many times we are disappointed with family and/or friends.Maybe our expectations are higher at Christmas because it seems like a magical time of year when anything is possible. (Darn those twinkling lights that raise our hopes!)

But then....

You didn't get a Christmas card.
You didn't get a "hello there"  or an "eye hug" at church.
So-and-so didn't comment on your really great blog post.
You didn't get invited to a party that almost everyone else did.
A sister isn't raising her children the way you think she should.
You didn't get the acknowledgement /raise/promotion at work that you thought you deserved.
Your children aren't making the choices you think they should. (because you know best, of course)
Your friends or family didn't pitch in and help when you needed it, even though you always help them.

Your husband left his dirty clothes on the side of the bed. Again. (and his initials are ROD)
A friend didn't stop by for a visit when she was in the area.
Your wife made that yucky Turkey Curry again,
Your family doesn't celebrate Christmas in a way that is meaningful to you.
Nobody liked your latest Facebook status.
Nobody noticed. Nobody asked. Nobody called. Nobody listened. Nobody said thanks.

And I'm not gonna lie. It hurts.
But the truth of it is, we live in a broken world with messy relationships.

When I am disappointed because I expected you to call me, why didn't you call me??!!  something that didn't occur (I'm sure you were just busy), one thing I (try) to do is to remember the good things.
The calls that did happen.
The visits.
The emails.
The laughs.
The times they've helped.
The times they've been there.

You know what I mean. And then I will move into the times(and they have been many) that I have let YOU down.
Yup.
I have and I know it. Please don't email me and remind me.

But even more important than trying turn that frown upside down by my own power of common sense and recollection, is to consider the expectations I can have for God; the One who never lets me down.

Such as these truths:

-God to be your refuge (Psalm 7 v 1)
-God to sustain you (Psalm 3 v 5)
-God's unfailing love to be trustworthy (Psalm 13 v 5)
-To be filled with joy in His presence (Psalm 16 v 11)
-For Him to be your strength (Psalm 18 v 1)
-To fear no evil (Psalm 23 v 4)
-God to guide you (Psalm 23 v 3)
-For all the ways of the Lord to be loving and faithful (Psalm 25 v 10)
-Peace to guard your hearts and minds (Philippians 4 v 7)
-That love will never fail (1 Corinthians 13 v 8)
-That the battle is the Lord's, not yours (2 Chronicles 20 v 15)
-That the mind controlled by the Spirit produces life and peace (Romans 8 v 6)

That list is obviously not all inclusive, but, honestly, how can I stay mad or disappointed when I spend time pondering and being so thankful for these truths about God? Can you?

I don't have to rely on my own strength.
I am cared for.
I can be filled with JOY.
I am L.O.V.E.D.
Ahhhhh.

Peace floods my heart.
 Joy returns.
 Priorities rearrange themselves.
 Love prevails.
So, this season, when we look around and see occasions of unfulfilled expectations, (because it WILL happen) you have a choice and so do I.
Choose joy.
Love anyway.

And a Python in a Pear Tree

 I found this on Craigslist. I did not make it up. Better check your schedule, because YOU are invited.



Everyone is invited to a "WILD REPTILE" CHRISTMAS/HOLIDAY PARTY (Vancouver)

International Reptile Rescue is having a "WILD" Christmas Holiday Reptile Party and everyone is invited...including your "harmless and well socialized reptile". It must be contained and secured with a leash if out.

EVERYONE is welcome, even if your so unfortunate as to NOT have a reptile in your life, which we might be able to remedy as will have "adoptables" available looking for loving, appropriate homes. 

Date is this coming Saturday December 8th from 2:30 to 5:30 in the "Kidz Life Building" at "Real Life Community Church" and is located at 2202 Bella Vista Rd, Vancouver WA 98683

Will have cookies, punch, games, prizes AND MORE. A good time will be had by all...including the reptiles.

Everyone MUST RSVP and let us know how many & who will be attending along with the reptile/s you'll be bringing. NO ONE WILL BE ADMITTED WITHOUT THEIR EMAIL CONFIRMATION &/OR ON THE GUEST LIST!!! ( Wow. So of I just show up with my rat snake on a leash and a plate of gingerbread boys, they won't let us in? That is not in keeping with the Christmas spirit.)

Not mandatory but a donation to International Reptile Rescue would be nice to help them continue their rescue & rehab work.
(Wait. They not only RESCUE reptiles, but they REHAB them? So there is hope for my California King snake on crack? My iguana on ice doesn't need to despair? Cue the Hallelujah chorus sung by crocodiles.)


 I don't know about you, but I picture this when I imagine a WILD REPTILE CHRISTMAS?HOLIDAY PARTY.

What a gala they must have! Imagine lots of young turtles and frogs (wait...aren't those amphibians?) dancing the Nutcracker as they munch on holiday insects.
Seriously. This whole thing has the potential to give me some pretty gnarly nightmares. 

Ewwwww. 

And EWWWWWW again, even louder.

I will post a sweet Christmas picture so you don't need to scrub your eyes out with bleach anymore.
Here ya go.

Only kidding.
Just a little holiday humor.
Here is a furry version of the Nativity scene. Enjoy.

Nana-in-a-box

Can you see him playing Tunnel with Nana?

Last night the phone rang. Well, not the phone, exactly. It was Skype and I was already on the computer, so I answered.
It was kind of dark when the video started, but I could hear enough snuffling,shuffling noises to know it was Max.

This was my view from the iPhone when Max left me to go get his toys

But where was he Skyping from? Turns out he "borrowed" his Daddy's iPhone and was secretly Skyping his Nana while hidden in a box.

Have I mentioned how much I love this boy?

We talked and laughed and pretend cuddled.

He sang me the Daddy song (Daddy, Daddy, Daaaady, you're my best friend!" Then he sang the Nana song )Nana, Nana, Naaaaana. You're my best friend EVER IN THE UNIVERSE!)





While we played "Tunnel", Max had to leave me a few times to go gather up important supplies such as his blankie, his Froggie, two books  and his Play-Doh.

Precious, right?


I went and got my pillow so I could lay my head on the desk while he cuddled in his blanket. He told me he was all warm and asked me to sleep in the tunnel with him.
Part way though a book Max was reading to me , I heard his Daddy looking for him.

Suddenly the top of the box opened and Josiah said, "Max, what are you doing in there.....Mom? What the heck?"
We all laughed pretty hard.


 Each time Max would leave to go get more things, he would close the box lid on me and instruct  me to wait for him.
 I did.
I would wait in the box all day, precious boy.

Note to self: No need to spend too much on Christmas presents for Max this year.

I need my own personal Annie Sullivan

I received these two sample packets of face cream last week in my November Birch Box. Just looking at the pretty pink color, I knew my face would glow with the freshness of a newborn. So I opened one of the packets and smoothed a dollop of the rich lotion on my face before I went to bed. It smelled like roses and, I'm not gonna lie, my skin felt smooth the next morning.
 Nice.
So, when I remembered, I would slather it on at night. Sometimes in the morning.
Everyday I would tell myself I should put my glasses on and get out the microscope so I could read the itty-bitty direction on the back of the packets. What if it said to apply only at night or to use under make-up?  How was I to know?
After four-five days of using it, I finally was able to remember to read the back. Here is what its said, "Soin emollient luminescent cheveux colores abimes..." Still difficult to understand. I think they put it in French because people believe it is of higher quality, and more luxuriant a product if the directions for use are first written in French. Oo la la!

Ah...here is it in English. Let's see..." Luminous, softening treatment masque (notice, not just a "mask.")  for high lighted or sensitized, colour-treated hair."

Mon Dieu! Sacre Bleu!
 I have been rubbing hair conditioner into my face day and night!

Note: If you come to our house to eat a meal, my feelings will not be hurt if you should check the expiration dates on anything I may try to feed you. I have not been able to decipher those tiny little number since 1998 or so.

Clap Your Snotty Hands!

So very sad when I have to try to remember my blog password because it has been so long since I have bothered to write a post.
So, so long ago.
So, so sad.
And sadder(is that a real word?) yet is the fact that I will be gleefully stealing someone else's blog post to post here.
It is a Christmas miracle that I can still type. Or spell.
Anyway, here is the post I have chosen to break my unintentional blogging fast.
All you mamas should love this.
Enjoy and Happy Tuesday.
God thinks you rock!

Going for the Gold

Are you loving watching the Olympics like we are? We are screaming, clapping, shouting, napping (okay, that was just during the women's marathon for a bit) and maybe wiping a tear now and again. These Olympians are courageous, encouraging, motivating people who accomplish amazing feats. Some even use their feet(s). Like this gal:

Who knew?
There have been so many memorable moments. Like watching the "Blade Runner." A.Maz.Ing.

Also, this was  so delightful:

Don't all these athletic achievements  motivate you to do better at...whatever?

I think I probably could have medaled in "Complaining about the Heat" these last couple days. If not gold, I surely would have won silver or bronze. It would have been a tight race with my neighbor who abhors the heat as much as I do. Yes, I know we only had two days of what most of you would call summer. That's why it is so spectacular that we can raise our levels of wine whine to world class in a matter of mere hours. We give it an Olympian effort. And I have a natural talent for it.

Rod is also galvanized into gold medal-worthy adventures, trying things he wouldn't have before in our Olympic-size Costco-size  pool. Here are a few shots as he demonstrates his incredible skill.

Back off, girls. He's all mine.
That's right. he is in the pool trying to keep both a baby AND a dog above water.
 Spectacular! Unbelievable! Stupendous! Worthy of the Gold!
(have you noticed how many pictures I post of Rod in which he is partially dressed? What is up with that?)

What have you and your family enjoyed most about the Olympics?

World Class Whining

Who doesn't want to read a post chock-full (what does that even mean??) of good old fashioned, self-focused, pity-party whining.
Well then, if you are out there, this post is for you.
I'll just dive right in.
 My hair is way over-due for a cut -n- color job. I may as well be wearing a sign that encourages birds and small rodents to "Get Your Nesting Materials Here!"
 The way I am dressing gives hillbillies a bad name. Not kidding.
 I am dressing like I just don't care because my belly is literally (yes, I said " literally") the size of a small country with a cruel dictator.
Camouflaging this country is not so much fun.
Rod went on a "diet" four days ago because he was feeling slightly concerned about the size of his belly. It wasn't huge, just bigger than what he was comfortable with. He looks great to me. But maybe I just can't see him over the gelatinous mountain that is my pannus, A.K.A. "muffin top."

Here is Rod using Cooper to hide his nonexistent belly.

So this morning, after I came home from my jog, Rod bounds out of the bathroom announcing that he has lost 5-6 pounds.
 In four days.
I hate him.He's a dear, isn't he?

I started Weight Watcher's (just for kicks and giggles) a few weeks ago and after my first full week, I gained 2 pounds.

Winning!

Do I sound a little down? Perhaps a bit self absorbed?

Maybe. Maybe.

But I know it's not all about me. Even though lately I've felt large enough that it could be all about me...

Yesterday, I had a splendid day catching up with a friend in between some interviews we were doing at a local women's shelter. (Can I just say, I love you Mindy) When we were leaving together, along with the chaplain of the women's shelter and a director, I heard myself volunteer, out loud, to give my testimony at their worship service. Friday. As in, day after tomorrow.

I threw myself right on under that there bus. (That's my hillbilly talk coming out)

They didn't waste a moment and took me up on it, letting me know the time frame and other logistics. I believe they stated I would be speaking from 9:10-9:50.
Friends, am I correct in thinking that is 40 freaking minutes?? My story might take 15-20.
Holy moley I am in a heap of trouble.
 As I floundered,wondering how I'm going to fill up 40 minutes  without being a complete waste of their time, Mindy kept making annoying "streeeetttccchhh it out" hand motions.
 She's a love.

Oh, well. At least I'll look good.

never mind.

Throwing the baby out with the bath water

I'm a guest blogger today at Reader Brenda's  Randy Alcorn's blog. Here is the link. Let me know what you think. (That little jingle was just a freebie for you because I love you.)

Randy's blog

Super Fast

I lost 20 lbs. already!

breakfast

Give or take 21 lbs.

My sister and I began The Great Juice Fast of 2012 this morning.

 About 4 hours ago. 

I feel fantastic! And, so far, I have only felt really hungry once, when someone mentioned spaghetti on television. 

We are basically just having freshly made vegetable and fruit juices for 10 days.

I am pretty sure this would exclude a bowl of cake batter or a basket of fish and chips.

Darn.

But, oh! The Fresh Fruits! and the Fresh Vegetables! Can I get a hand clap of praise for all the produce?!

They are so pretty, but I'm not gonna lie. They cost me a pretty penny.

Also, I am going to have to find room for them in the fridge. I guess if I didn't have so many condiments and various cheeses of the world, there would be room.

So, this is my attempt to cleanse and to rid my body of toxins and heal myself of various food (sugar, white flour, alcohol) addictions. (is caffeine is conspicuous by it's absence? ) I almost sound holy.

 Who am I kidding? I want to lose a few pounds.

Now I'm just lying.

I want to lose a BOATLOAD of weight!

I need to. Jackie, A.K.A.: Skinny sista, does not need to. I will lose for both of us. 

I have also read that some people can rid themselves of certain conditions, like migraines. Jackie and I have both suffered from them and are hopeful that eating healthier might reduce the number of them that we get.

I'll keep you updated on  our progress. Way more than you probably want me to. But I'm a giver like that.

FYI: Please understand that I am kidding and exaggerating about expecting to lose a BOATLOAD of 

weight. Not that it wouldn't be nice, but I want to eat in a healthy way, not starve myself to death. The end.

As some of you know, we went to pick Josiah up from the airport yesterday. He is now home from Afghanistan for good. (can you hear my heart mending? It is.) We also had his son, Max with us, and I took a little video. Not as good as most videos you'll see on Godvine, etc., but it is a huge moment in our family. Enjoy!

Sleep, my pretty....sleep

Guess who is coming home this weekend?

Guess who gets to go pick him up from the airport?

Guess who is not leaving for a war zone ever again?(Yeah, I know this is Josiah when he is four years old, but that is how this Mama sees her boy. Still. Forever.)

Guess who is going to be super happy (read: SUPER HAPPY) to see him?

Guess who is finally going to get some really deep,peaceful  and dreamless sleep? Noooo, not the dogs.

Mama Bear. Something about having all your children in the same country, in the same time zone, in the same state and especially under the same roof that leads to sweet restful sleep. Okay, they won't be under the same roof as me, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Thoughts running through my head while lost

These are the actual thoughts I had after getting lost in the woods while walking Lucy and Cooper today. In bulleted form for your reading pleasure.

• Uh-oh. Something tells me I should not have taken this second walk today.
• Why don't the dogs care that we are lost?
• Are they depending on me to find our way home? Because I am depending on them. Oh, shoot.
• This will be so humiliating if I can't find my way home. I wonder how long it will take Rod before he calls for help for me?
• Oh, shoot. Rod would NEVER call for help....He would "cowboy up", putting on his duster and cowboy hat, saddling up Drifter and come search for the dogs. And me.
•  Oh, shoot.
• I better get serious about this and turn off my iPod. Chris Tomlin is not going to get me out of this.
•  Why does it have to start raining so hard right now? It makes it hard to see where the sun is. Is it getting dark already? How long have I been out here??
• I wonder when the dogs will get hungry enough to turn on me and eat me?
• I wonder if I would get hungry enough to turn on them and eat them?
• I'm hungry.
• I should have brought some trail mix. And my Kindle.
• I don't like trail mix. I'd like some cheese fondue with crusty sourdough bread.Mmm-mm.
• Why do the dogs look so happy?? We ARE LOST, dogs. LOST. And hungry. And now I'm thirsty, too.
• I feel like I landed on an episode of "Survivorman." But without a camera crew. Or poisonous snakes that I can skin and eat raw because it is too damp to build a fire.
• Yay! I'm not hungry anymore.
• Glad I showered and fixed my hair this morning. I'm sure it will look great (not) for the rescue teams sent out to find the woman who got lost in her own back yard. Move over, family that got lost in a corn maze. Diane is here.
• I hope Lucy doesn't want to bite the dogs that are sent out to find us.Actually, she is in heat so she probably won't want to bite them.Hmmm. This could be awkward.
• Maybe one of my facebook friends will call 911 when they notice I haven't updated my status for over an hour.
• I wonder if anyone has posted any cute lion/dolphin/toddler/puppy videos since I've been gone.
• Humming " Since you been gone..."
• Wishing I had a cell phone.
• Knowing it wouldn't matter if I had a cell phone, there is no service up here. 
• I'm DOOMED. 

Well, needless to say, we made it home, tired and soaking wet and starving, because we were lost for ALMOST AN HOUR.
 I'd say that gives me real mountain woman cred. For reals.

Darn those rebel forces.

I received this urgent letter yesterday which , not only gives me the opportunity to help others, but make a boatload of money for myself  at the same time. 
What a deal! 


 As I wonder about the letter-writer I bet they are hoping I have an image similar to this one in my head. 

Here is the letter. Still not sure how to respond besides to thank them for all the minute details and to ask them how on earth they knew to send this letter to me.




"Dear Guardian,

WITH THE BEST COMPLIMENTS OF THE YEAR,
I wish to solicit your help in migrating to your
country, My name is Kenneth Williams and Juliet are
the children of Late General Alexander Williams the
former Director of military intelligence and special
acting General Manager of the Sierra Leone Diamond
mining operation(SLDMC ).
I am contacting you to seek your good assistance to
transfer and invest USD8million belonging to my late
father which is deposited in a bank in lome,Togo. This
money is revenues from solid minerals and diamonds
sale which were under my fathers possession before the
civil war broke out.
Following the brake out of the war, almost all
government offices, cooperations and prostates were
attacked and vandalized. The SLDMC was looted and
burnt down to ashes, and diamonds worth millions of
dollars was stolen by the rebel military forces who
attacked my fathers office.
Many top government officials and senior army officers
were assassinated and my father was a key target
because of his very sensitive military position and
appointment in the SLDMC. Regrettably, my father was
captured and murdered along with half brother in cool
blood during a mid-night rebel shoot-out when our
official residence in Freetown was ambushed by Fordey
Sanko the notorious rebel leader.
My mother sustained very sever bullet injuries which
resulted to her untimely and painful death in a
private hospital here in lome,Togo.
Now we are alone in a totally strange country without
parents, relatives or any body to care for us at our
tender ages.
Before our mother died, she told us that our father
deposited some money which he made from diamond
sales and contracts at this bank here in lome,Togo and
that we should pray and find a trustworthy foreign
business partner who would help us to transfer and
invest this money in profitable business venture
overseas. She told us to do this quickly so that we
can leave Togo with our cousin brother-Arthur
who is here in the camp with us and, then settle down
abroad. She gave us all the bank documents to prove
the deposit and then told us that my father used my
name as the only son to deposit the money in the bank.
She told us that this is the reason why we came to lome,
Togo. My mother died afterwards. May her spirit
rest in perfect peace.
I have gone to the bank to make inquires about this
money and I spoke with the director of International
remittance who assured me that the everything is
intact and promised to help me transfer this money to
my foreign partners bank account as soon as I provide
my partners foreign bank account for them. However,
the director is very concerned because of my age, I am
21 years and as such promised to help me and he would
like to speak with my partner to ensure that this
money is invested wisely in only profitable business
because of his personal interest and sympathy for me.
Please note that I can only offer you 25% of the total
money as compensation for your noble assistance in
accordance with my mothers advise. I am interested in
any profitable commercial venture which you consider
very good in your country and you would also get a
school for me, my little sister and cousin so that we
can finish our college education.
I shall give you more details when I receive your
urgent response, depending on your reply to this,
Thanks, and God bless you, give you the wisdom
to carry out this great deal.
I await your immediate response to this email address:
XXXXXXXXXX
Yours sincerely.
KENNETH & JULIET WILLIAMS"


I don't think this is what they had in mind when they wrote this wonderfully detailed, personal letter to me, but this is the image I have stuck in my head. 

How would you respond?

Dear Muffin-top,

You need to know that you have over-stayed your welcome.
Don't get me wrong; you have served your purpose. You have kept me warm all winter long with your layer of fluffiness.
You have made me jolly. Well, maybe not actually jolly, but I think I may have looked jolly.
The way you poof out over the waistband of all my pants is slightly endearing. It looks kind of like a sweet marshmallow puffing up all gooey in the microwave.
(What? You haven't tried this? Go do it now. I'll wait.)
Because you are the super-size muffin-top, and almost as large as a whole other person, you have kept me company when I feel lonely. Your bubbly personality spills over when you bounce along the jogging trail with me. Thanks for that.
Your playfulness is apparent every time you pop out to say "Holla!" just as I am stretching for the Cap'n Crunch on the top shelf
Cute, right?
But I'd appreciate it so much if you would stop doing this in public as it not only frightens me, but others as well.
Anyhoo, it is time for you to go. Although it feels cozy to have you wrapped around me all winter, spring is right around the corner, and frankly, you don't look so good in my spring and summer clothes. I think it's the colors, as well as the cut of my wardrobe. Black is clearly your color, but the warm months call for white and turquoise, yellow and orange.
Which do not do you justice. All your rolls are exposed. Not a pretty look.

There is also the issue of health. You are just not healthy. You cause me to be unhealthy and anxious.
 You make me worry about driving to the store one day, getting hit by another car (in which case you would make a fine air bag.) and needing to go to the hospital. While I am in the ER, they find out I am bleeding internally, so they need to do emergency surgery. This means they would need to hold my pannus (that is YOU, Muffin-top) to the side in order to perform this life saving surgery. Frankly this brings unpleasant  images to my mind.
 See? Muffin-top anxieties.

Of course, many people are probably NOT worried about this little scenario, but there are the other, more obvious, health risks such as diabetes high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.
As you can see, Muffin, you need to leave.
 I am going to kick your butt.
If you even have a butt is beside the point.