Christmastime Feasting

The weather outside is frightful and has stopped my wogging in its tracks. So when my friend sent me this email it is as though a glorious light shone all around and the universe made perfect sense once again.

I will embrace this plan.

1. AVOID carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. If you see carrots, leave immediately, go next door where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You can't get it any other time of year; who cares if it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not like you're gonna turn into an eggnog alcoholic or something! It's a treat! Enjoy it! It's Christmas!!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on! Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes (or stuffing), fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano! Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission!

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. And lots of it. Hello??

6. Under NO circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's! You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet carrying a 10 lb. plate of food and a vat of eggnog!

7. If you come across something really good at the buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies, position yourself near them, and don't budge. Eat as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. If you leave them behind, you'll never see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Pecan. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or mix it up, but have more than one! When else do you get more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted it's loaded with the mandatory calories, but avoid it at all costs! I mean, have some standards!

10. ONE FINAL TIP: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention! Re-read these tips, but hurry! January is just around the corner!

LIFE SHOULD NOT BE A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN AN ATTRACTIVE AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, CHOCOLATE IN ONE HAND, WINE IN THE OTHER, BODY THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND SCREAMING " WOO-HOO, WHAT A RIDE!!"