Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I don't belong

That pretty much sums up how I've been feeling lately, so I thought it deserved it's own post title.

Our business has been limping along(not very productively, I might add bitterly) through this recession and various physical ailments have visited both Rod and me.

Oh and I gained THREE POUNDS. Hello-ooo, again my ginormous muffin top. Good Horrific to see ya.

Which added altogether with the other straw(s) that broke the camel's back made
me not want to go to bible study this morning.

I don't belong with the happy, beautiful people.

I am cranky. And ugly. And really cranky.

I don't even like me today. Not even a little bit.

Don't I sound fun to be around?

So, with a shiny, plastic smile on I headed in to bible study.

Where I shared my doom and gloom with those around me until it was time to go.

Good times.
This mannequin portrays how tightly I held my emotions in check during the study. Except she shows more depth. And feeling.

On the way home, I rehashed the conversations until I was sniveling and had convinced myself I needed to call my gals at bible study back and tell them I am not coming anymore and not to order me the new book.

Because I am not fit company for women who are trying to seek the Lord. I am just holding them back because all I want to do right now is crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and cry. And eat this beef jerky. Except it kinda tastes like smoked salmon. Or dog food. Even my own taste buds are rebelling.

When I got home, Rod asked me how it went and I said, "Fine. I'm not going anymore."

Then I burst into tears.

Yesirree. That Rod is one lucky fellow.

Why does it feel like I'm all alone when things are going badly? I don't want to talk about things because then I'll cry and not stop until all my all eyelashes fall out.

Let's face it; that is not a good look on anybody.

I don't even want to talk to God about it because, frankly, that would be laying it all out there and I guess the pain of that is what I've been trying to avoid. Isolation is indeed a useful tool of the devil's.

So, in full avoidance mode, I began reading a few blogs from some of my girls.That backfired on me real quick.

Like this from Queen B. Click on this link and read about her honesty in "The Brutal Truth". I love you for this, Beth. Really and truly. You gave me strength to begin facing my little fears. Thank you.

And Amber. (His Girl) You always have an encouraging and sometimes painful truth and I love learning from you. Thank you. Click on her link and read what the Lord might mean by having us do some waitin'. It's not always what we think. I NEEDED this TODAY. 'Nuff said.

God has used you ladies today to get my eyes off myself and return the focus to Him.

Where it belongs.

Where I belong.

1 John 4:4

You, dear children, are from (belong to) God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

So, even though I am cranky and now splotchy and tear-stained, please order me that bible study book anyway. I apologize for my selfish attitude this morning when I let it be all about me and forgot that I love you guys, and that He loves me.

Even when I feel I don't belong.
***Edited to add*** I just went over to Linda's @ A Trucker's Wife to view the videos she wrote about in the notes and OH. My. Word.
That is some powerful preaching. I am so glad that I went and spent the time listening to Louie Giglio on the "How Great is Our God Tour." Yes, I even heard a little from Chris Tomlin.
But mostly, as I listened, I began shrinking and He began growing.
It was AWESOME. So worth it. Go here to view the videos and say thanks to Linda for putting them up.
THANKS Linda. You know I needed that today. :-)
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