Notice the blue cord around my right wrist this morning? This is our reminder in keeping with the Believing God bible study and Numbers 15:37-41. I need this reminder this morning, especially the part that reminds me not to follow my own heart and eyes.What I am seeing and feeling this morning is failure.
Last night, I was able to start going back into jail.
My partner can't come on Sundays so I went in alone. The other Prison Fellowship guys go in on Wednesdays, so I couldn't pray with them beforehand, or even be encouraged by seeing their smiling faces.
I prayed for a strong sense of the Lord's presence and for me to be able to extend His love to them in a real way. I prayed for the Lord to be working in their hearts before I arrived.
But I didn't feel renewed or refreshed or filled or empowered with His Holy Spirit. I felt alone and scared and very frail and human.
I let the conversation veer away from the Lord and back to legal issues and complaints over and over again. I felt no strong sense of purpose and I wonder why I was there last night. I felt too much concern with how the women liked me. I felt I let God down.
I prayed with one lady for court to go in her favor today and for her to be released and go back home to her young son. (She is a believer, but wandering away, and hadn't paid a fine that she owed so she was arrested.)
After I prayed, she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I truly believed that God would answer my prayer for her.
I said,"God loves you. He will do what is the best for you, regardless of what is looks like to us. I hope and pray that it is releasing you."
I don't know if she understood me or not. Her court is this afternoon at 3:00. I pray not only for this, but for her to remember the God she loved as a little child in Sunday School and return to Him.
Why did God let me go into jail alone? He never has before. I need Him there. Did I do something wrong?
But I, O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you.O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? psalm 88:13-14
4 comments:
Glad to hear you are going back to the prison.
Will your friend be with you next week?
You are a blessing to those women.
Amy
Clearly any doubt or feelings of failure or being "alone" are from the enemy. You can make such a difference in those women's lives; of course he doesn't want you to feel effective. Don't doubt your calling for a second, girl.
"Why did God let me go into jail alone?"
Silly, He didn't. Maybe not someone with flesh and bones was there, but you weren't alone. I know you know that.
"Did I do something wrong?"
WHAT??? What is in that pink cup you're drinking from?! I want to either hug you or smack you around a little.
You're beautiful.
Oh, Diane--I know you sort of "amended" this post after this, but really, you should let others speak truth into your life when you feel down. You KNOW how I feel about your ministry there. It is one of the best, most encouraging things I've read in ALL of my blogging. Feelings? Nothing more than "Feelings," etc. a la Teddy Pendergrass. You felt alone and down, but you pushed through it and came out victorious. (Yes you did.) I am sure your time was divinely appointed with that woman. Just the fact that she was able to ask that one question and you were able to give that one answer made the whole ordeal worthwhile. Your feelings, in this case, are separate from the accurate picture. You weren't alone, the visit wasn't fruitless, and you are amazing. God is using you all over the place, including in my life.
Hi Diane - I haven't read enough to know about your obvious prison ministry but I can tell you about all alone because that is my life. Yes He gives us friends to encourage us along the way but He also gets us alone to ensure that we are depending on Him and not the gift of that friend.
Rich Blessings to you sweet Sister -
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