Wednesday, April 9, 2008

That video

You know that video?

The one with the girls all beating up the one girl. They keep showing it , over and over on all the news shows.

This morning it was on NBC. Rod was watching it. I watched Rod. His face had a look of pity, disgust and anger on it.


I told Rod it gave me a feeling of familiarity. (yes, everything is all about me today, apparently)


I've been in the position of the girl who was getting hit more than a few times.

The rage would catch me by surprise and then it was all swinging fists and screaming as I would try to cover my head with my arms.


It was my Mom who would do it.


My childhood was spent trying to avoid her out of pure fear. I never knew for sure what would set her off. Out of the two, rage or apathy, her apathy was preferable.


One time I rode our horse when it's foot was hurt. One time I went to bed without washing my mascara off. Once I was doing poorly in math. Those are particular times I remember. There were plenty more.


As I grew up, I slowly figured out that not everyone lived like us. Not every kid was afraid all the time.

As a kid who was ever hit for whatever reasons, I slowly discovered that the physical bruises fade quickly(at least in our family) and are actually almost inconsequential.
The shame of having a parent who treats you worse than you would treat a dog leaves a wound that is difficult to heal. The more I saw parents that doted and loved on their children, the more ashamed I felt. I was unworthy of that love. What was wrong with me?

But God placed people in my life. Jesus with skin on. A church family.(Psalm 68:6) Most importantly Rod, who loves me unconditionally beyond all others and stuck by me. (After 25 years of marriage it still nudges my heart and gives me butterflies that I can say, with conviction "Rod loves me." It still seems like such an unexpected gift.) He taught me what love really is and showed me what it is not. And believe me, I tested him. Poor guy.

When I had my own children, I adored them with every atom in my body, and I was terrified that I was going to hurt them. As they grew, that fear receded and my love for them grew, year after year. I just didn't know about that all-encompassing tidal wave of parental love. I loved them with my entire being during those harsh unlovable teen years, when it is a struggle and they sometimes look at you with contempt.
Now it is an easy joy again.

When I see this cheerleader video, I can feel those old scars and the anger begins to find a foothold. Shame, guilt and anger.

Forgiveness, like love, is a choice, not a feeling.

Though I have forgiven my Mom, sometimes I just gotta do it again. Not justify it, or rationalize her behavior. But forgive, as I have been forgiven.
Not because of her, or even me. But because of Him.


Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

11 comments:

Amy Plumb said...

I don't even know what to say.

I wish I could just give you a big huge and tell you how glad I am I found you as a bloggy friend.

Much love your way,
Amy

Queen B said...

I am so sorry. I am sorry that you endured such inexcusable rage.

And I'm sorry for your mother. That she never new the joys of the sacrificial love and kindness and compassion of mothering.

But mostly I'm sorry for you.

Thank you for your honesty.

God is good. Even when mothers are not.

Michelle said...

Some day, you and I are going to sit down and talk about this. Your mother my father, you being able to forgive and me not.

Thanks for the reminder Didi. I have to go hug my girls.

Amy Beth @ Ministry So Fabulous! said...

I'd love to hear more about this part of your life... specifically how you worked to forgive...

E said...

I am in tears. Oh Diane, you are a beautiful writer. You have blessed my life through your blog.

It makes me smile to hear you talk about your husband, your love for one another. I adore my husband, too. We have been through a lot in three years of marriage, but our love is stronger because of it.

I am so thankful that we have HIM to heal our wounds, no matter how deep they are. After all, He is the only one who can carry us through this life of sorrows and happiness!

Praise be to God! Thanks for this post. I appreciate you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this post with us. I love the way it ends, "Because of Him."

Wendy said...

Diane, you continue to blow me away with your beautiful heart. I'm sorry for the girl you were that suffered so, but I'm thankful for the woman you've become by God's grace and love. God bless you, my dear friend. ((hugs))

Jenn @ Casa de Castro said...

Diane, I am blessed by what you've shared here. While I am SO sorry for what you had to endure and am grateful for how the Lord has worked in your life in spite of - or maybe because of - what happened, reading this gives me a tiny glimpse into what many of the kids we work with in prisons have faced and will face again if they are released back into the care of an abusive parent. (Um... run on sentence maybe??) God has used the pain you suffered at the hand of someone you love(d) and who should have shepherded you so sweetly to reach out to others who so desperately need to know HIS love.

That video made me sick when I saw it. Perhaps more nauseating was the interview Matt Lauer did with the mother of one of those arrested. Can you spell denial? Her attempts at justification did not find root, and I was utterly astounded by her words. I hope you'll join me in praying for the parents of the girls involved in this incident. The girls, as with all kids today, don't stand a chance if their parents aren't modeling better behavior in front of them and holding them accountable for their actions.

Thank you again for sharing your heart. You've moved mine.

Laura Paxton said...

I can SO identify...the "duck and cover" that is about all I remember from growing up...the flinching because my brand new husband moved fast, and I thought he was going to hit me, too...

The horrible damage all of that does to our sense of worth. I am SO thankful for my wonderful husband and his parents who have helped heal some of those deep, deep wounds.

Oh, and the forgiving? It happens over and over again, because it keeps coming back.

happyhome said...

What a beautiful example of love and forgiveness. I am so sorry for your pain, but thank you for sharing your story.

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Wow. So powerful. I'm with AmyBeth; I'd love to hear more. And methinks that God delights in giving His girl- who went through this kind of stuff and came out loving and forgiving- some cute sandals. And they are DEFINITELY cute. (I'm coveting now.)